Although it’s my habit to write only during the weekends and / or when I feel shit, lol, I’m now writing on Monday evening and the title says it all.

I went home on time today, that’s a good thing to start with. I had some left over pasta from yesterday so dinner was also covered. After dinner, I did the dishes – oh my God – and tidied up here and there. House keeping never stops but the house looks good right now, I would open the door to any visitor

The best thing today must have been the talk I had with my new boss. I referred to her as the Lady Boss yesterday and I have to stick to that nickname. She’s a Lady, but she’s definitely the Boss We had a meeting about my new position in the company and what my work will look like from now on. Or that was what we were supposed to talk about. Instead, most of the talk (which lasted more than two hours!) was about me personally. I had already told her a little bit about my problems when I didn’t want to attend the business meeting that was held last Wednesday evening. I said I need a lot of time for myself and I need a lot of rest, one late evening and my week is fucked up. I’m alright but lately the line has been pretty thin, between being already and dropping down with exhaustion… I told her about my issues, my personal life, the therapy and so on and tried to explain what it means to me in my daily life and work. She understood it perfectly. When I said I had to stop the therapy because I can’t afford it and the company paid only 10 sessions, she said she knew a way to make the company stand up for the costs. There are funds for it in other ways possible, I can’t really explain in English but it doesn’t matter how.

What matters mostly is that she listened, understood and knows what to do about it. She agreed with me on the ridiculous way some things are handled in this company and the absurd way the management communicates with each other. It’s all about sarcasm, bringing the others down, making jokes at each others’ expense. We agreed on that.

The rest of the day I didn’t get to do much work. I had two meetings that both lasted too long. I was running around all day, had an extremely late lunch, repaired the copier twice, listened to colleagues complaining about other colleagues and on top of that I was totally dead tired….

So, I better get some sleep now. It’s hard to say goodnight to my MM, who’s on MSN now…. as always I feel we have had a very good day too… very connected. In sync it seems, even though I was so rushed and busy. He’s coming over on Friday. I’m looking forward to spending the evening, night and morning together…. *sigh* I could write a couple more pages about that but… I can’t do that now… I will write some…. open love letter to him another time

Lots of things go through my mind when I open a blank page in OpenOffice… I made it a habit to write my blogs on the computer and not online, after I lost some long blogs due to Internet-hiccups. And this digital white sheet seems to hypnotize me. I can stare at it for minutes on end, not typing anything. Or type something and delete it again…

I haven’t written anything in almost a month! The first thing that comes to my mind is, that I had my period coming when I last wrote. And it’s coming again, now, lol. I felt shit when I last wrote something, and I feel shit now. Hmm might there be a pattern here?!

Ok, where to start… I’ve had my last therapy session. It felt good to end it, we had a nice ‘closing’ talk. She gave me some tips what I can do to continue on my own. Of course, I haven’t done it…

I didn’t write a Thriller story for the contest. I simply wasn’t motivated to do anything, so not that either. Lately everything has been only about work, lots of things have been going on in that department. The management finally gave us some information. It happened all in a very silly, unprofessional way, it was a lot of hassle to figure out what my position was and what their plans were. One person says this, the other says that. Lots of blah blah and nobody knows exactly what’s going on. There was a meeting for the whole company somewhere in the south of Holland, on the coastline. I had the flew the 5 days before it, and went back to work on the Thursday of the meeting. Snyggig was nagging me already for two days if I was already feeling better or not. In the end I felt like it was perhaps a day too early that I went back, I could have done with one more day of rest. And Snyggig wasn’t even in the office!! I didn’t go to the meeting. I was too tired and it was too far away. External company meetings like that, they always plan it in some impossible place. They don’t realize that they have employees who don’t own a car (or a drivers’ license, lol) and live on the other side of the country. I got lots of colleagues nagging me about not showing up. I explained many times about not feeling well and the location being just stupid.

I was a bit surprised when my new colleague, hmm what will I call her… the Lady Boss. She invited me for a meeting with her team, before I knew that I was supposed to be part of that. Snyggig had explained some things from the meeting to me, but my position was still unclear to me. It turned out later that I was going to work for the other sales team and the Lady Boss will be my new boss. Well after the Sheriff and Snyggig, it will be interesting to get yet another team and another boss. I found the whole thing still unclear though. More clarity came when I had a meeting with our whole back office team. Fugly was whining about having too many tasks and the Sheriff gave me some of hers. So now I got two teams, existing of six people. The Lady Boss is going to be my manager and the rest of them will have to fight for my attention, lol.

The rest of the week I’ve been trying to get into the new tasks. Quite a lot has changed, I’d say about 80% of my daily work is different now. I knew the big outline of it, but once you have to get into it, it’s a lot to get used to.

Ok, enough about work already. Oh one more thing. I got a message on Facebook from one of my colleagues that he’s been reading my blog. I was very surprised, maybe even shocked because I don’t know him that well. I’m always surprised when I find out people are reading my blog. But well, dear readers, I’m just writing down what goes on in my mind, and I don’t really think about who’s reading it or not… it’s a little peek into my life, and most of all into my brain. Lots of things going on there…

What else has been going on… the Mystery Man has been going on We’ve been seeing each other quite a lot and I’m having a great time with him. The love just flows around me when we are together… oh can I be any more mushy?! I just totally love him. And it doesn’t look like that will change in the near future, either…. and I kinda think he loves me too Last week we went shopping in Amsterdam. He bought me some really nice shoes and underwear and we sat on a terrace in the sun… loveliness!!

It’s just love to have him around. I can’t explain it any other way. I love having him around digitally, in sms and MSN and e-mail, but of course nothing beats the real thing

There were some issues going on with MM and me also. It’s kinda hard to explain. Somehow, he says, I seem to ‘push him away’ a couple days before we’re supposed to meet each other. I get a little distant and I don’t respond to his romantic mood. I felt very bad about this. I had myself that I tried to take some distance now and then but I didn’t really know how to do that properly, without making him feel rejected or something. Normally when I come home from work, I rush to the laptop to see if he’s online or sent me e-mail. I rush to reply, to be there, to make sure he knows I’m there for him. But sometimes this gets in the way of other things, normal daily things that I just don’t do – get groceries, make dinner, tidy up the house. Apart from that, I don’t have a moment for myself either. I put all those things aside just to be, just to feel connected to MM. At some point this worked against me. I crave some alone time now and then, even from him. I need time to sit around and do nothing, just ‘be’ with myself. Do the laundry, play with the cats. Make dinner and tidy up, those things can be so calming sometimes.

We talked about it a couple times. Another thing that happened was, that we were chatting on gmail while I was at work, and there was too much time between my replies. I was working and walking around and on the phone and people came to my desk, while MM was waiting for me to reply. It made him sad, it made him feel stupid, to sit around and wait for me and I wasn’t replying I felt even worse then, it made me so sad that I had made him feel bad. Sigh. Now I said, let’s not chat at work any more, I am simply too busy most of the time anyways. We’ll just use gmail and that’s it. That’s a lot easier, you can check and reply when you want to (like when I’m waiting once again for Outlook to wake up). I’m also trying to better divide my time between him and things I have to do. When I come home from work, I have to make some dinner and tidy up my place, before I can put my lazy ass on the couch and start MSN. So I will sms something like, I will be online from 21.00. So before that, I do other things (like playing those games on Facebook that I’m totally addicted to).

Oooh something else that’s very important! I’ve been working on my bad sleeping habits. Recently I was so bad with it, I went to bed between 00.00-01.00 all week and it totally fucked me up. It became a habit because I am always talking with MM around those hours. But something had to change. I am a zombie due to lack of sleep. There was also a talk that I had with the Sheriff, who said that I can be such a lovely, sweet inspiration and motivation to other when I’m in a good mood. But that I’ve been a grumpy old bitch lately. Well he didn’t use those words, but I know that’s what he meant I said it was difficult to act happy when you’re so annoyed about the situation – meaning the non-info about the changes in the company. But in the back of my mind I know it’s also because the lack of sleep. Because I simply DON’T GO TO BED!!!!

So… something had to change. This whole week I went to bed around 22.30 I’m proud of myself. Too bad it didn’t really help… it’s been so hot all week that I slept poorly. I wake up between 4.00-6.00 and can’t sleep any more By the time I’m falling asleep again, the alarm is about to ring. But this week was a good start. My period is coming now so I’m very tired anyways. I will continue the good work next week!

Because I’m typing in OpenOffice, I can see that I have now almost reached page three. Lol. I don’t write anything for weeks, and then suddenly I get the urge and I can’t stop typing…

Tonight I’m going to my mum for a BBQ. I hope the weather will stay good! It has been super hot all week but of course I was working (well, that’s not entirely true, I wasn’t working on Tuesday afternoon. I was off and strolled around town with MM…. eating ice cream… kissing, cuddling ). Yesterday there finally came some rain while I was at work, and the air felt much cooler afterwards. The sky has been bright blue all day today, the sun is shining and I hope that the evening will be nice and warm Tomorrow evening I’m going to Amsterdam with my friend Monique, to see Anouk live (a Dutch singer). It’s half-work, half-not, lol. The Big Boss said some time ago, that it’s time we do something fun with the colleagues again, instead of just working. So they got us 50% off the ticket price.

Both things I just mentioned are fun. I’m not a big Anouk fan but I’m a concert fan. BBQ at mums will guarantee good food and talk about our coming trip to Turkey. But I have been so tired the whole week, and so sad because of it. Exhausted, really. So I’m kinda sorry about all the things I have planned. I would prefer to sit around and do nothing… on the other hand, the weekend will be over before I know it, so I better try to enjoy it. MM is visiting family for the weekend, so I’m not really missing anything…

I guess I’m done writing now, lol…

Eeeeeeh ok. Not a very good day. Not sure why I’m blogging, as I am not so inspired at the moment. Though still, a little voice in my head says I should write something…

I had a session with my therapist today. I wasn’t motivated for that at all, as I’m having a very unmotivated day. It happens to be THAT time of the month, so I’m a horrible person right now. I feel like a horrible person anyways. When I got to Amsterdam and was in the bus to go to my therapist, she called me. I turned out that I was going to be half an hour late, because I remembered it incorrectly. I felt so bad about it that I instantly wanted to cry – no, I didn’t want to, it just happened. But, I was on the bus, so I had to force myself not to cry. Why am I such a drama queen?! Oh yeah, the time of the month! Of course… it makes me so… so… weak! It’s annoying! It’s in my way! After about fifteen minutes on the bus, I was thinking lots of different thoughts. There was chaos in my head. I wanted to quit therapy, act stupid to my therapist. Sigh.

The session was shorter than normal because I was half an hour late. We talked a little bit, I talked about work, that I’m not happy with the situation. The company has problems and I’m not happy with how they’re handling it. They’re not telling us anything, not answering my questions. They fired the colleague that was hired to do half of my work, so I’m worried I’m gonna get a shit load of work on top of what I already have. It had just gotten manageable, and now they fired the other girl…

After talking about work, we went on with the subject ‘I mess everything up’. That’s a general thought that I have. I’m no good, I make too many mistake, I fuck everything up, I tear things apart. Honestly, you can’t even count all the things that broke down because of me. CD players, shower heads, the floor in this house, the carpet in my mums house, the… well lots of things. It went on about how my parents used to tell me I’m not ‘worth’ any new stuff (clothes, toys, gadgets) because I will break them anyway. Basically, being talked down.

While talking about all these things, and especially when we got to ‘Voice Dialogue’ (that’s her method), the thought constantly crept up to me that I didn’t want to be there. It felt useless, repeating the same shit over and over again. I felt stupid, knowing that what I’m saying makes no sense, even though I happen to feel that way. Lots of my thoughts, fears, ideas about myself, make no sense. So, I’m wrong again. I’m messing it up again.

I’m going around in circles and it feels pretty useless.

Another thing that I did today (I’m fed up with the therapy subject for now), was think about this contest I saw in a magazine. It’s a writing contest… they’re challenging me to write a thriller story. It has to be 1000 words maximum (I have no idea how much that is). I always feel some sort of excitement when I read about a writing or blogging contest (the particular magazine has had several) but I never joined. I find it extremely difficult to write for an assignment, to write something that has ‘rules’. Though I find it extremely difficult to write something, period. Anything that isn’t fanfix, is extremely difficult, lol. Fanfix would be extremely difficult at the moment!! Actually, I can’t write at all… hehehe. I was only driven by my Roxette / Per Gessle obsession. It lead to a handful of stories – of doubtful quality and genre – and got a handful of fans horny. That’s about it.

How to write a thriller story? There were three examples in the magazine. I found two out of three pretty boring, the third one was ok. Kinda freaky, I like that. Twists and turns. And it doesn’t end well, lol.

Ah well. I don’t really know if I can really write or not. I’ve never had an honest, objective opinion from anyone, other than my ‘fans’ (puke!). No opinions or advice from anyone who knows what they’re talking about… so!! Maybe I should join the contest and see what happens… eh, well, then I’d have to write a story first, lol…

I was a mistake. My mother was sloppy with the pill and found herself pregnant at 17. She went to my dad’s house, he was 22 at the time. They had been dating for two years. She told him what she had found out, she was already three months along or something. He pulled his wallet – she was startled for a moment. He pulled out a 100 guilder bill and said she better organize a wedding.

That’s how my parents life together really started, with a mistake. The mistake turned out to be me. My dad used to have all kinds of nicknames for me when I was little, actually he still does. Most of them make no sense at all, they’re just funny and cute words that might or might not rhyme to something. He calls me ‘bil’, which could be translated as ‘ass cheek’. Bil rhymes to ‘born after a not-working pil’ – well it makes more sense in Dutch but you get the idea… it was supposed to be funny, yet it always made me sad as a child. The pill didn’t work, so they got ’stuck’ with me!

In Talks with my dad when I got older, he told me that he secretly thought that this pill-mishap wasn’t really a mistake. He thinks my mother ‘forgot’ the pill on purpose, got pregnant on purpose so they had to get married and she was finally able to leave home and get away from her asshole of a dad… only to treat her own children in the same way. Or at least that’s how I see it.

Years ago, I think I was around 16, my mother had a lot of problems with her dad. My grandfather is not an easy person from what I understand from her. On top of that, he married the step mother from hell… finally after lots of rows and troubles, my grandmother and step dad decided that my mother and grandfather should have a real serious talk. My mother wrote down a list of things that bothered her about her father, things she wanted to tell him but never had to courage to. I wasn’t ‘in’ any of the fights really, but of course I got the gist of what was going on. So my mother told me about it, talked to me about it. She said that if the Talk wouldn’t go well, she might break off all contact. My brother and I were ‘free’ to visit our grandparents whenever we liked, or call them or anything like that, but she was almost ‘through’ with them. She showed me the list of issues she held against him. It was kind of shocking to realize that I personally could hold most of those things against her, as well!!

I started to realize that more and more as I got older. She made the same mistakes he did. She turned into almost the same person, though not quite. It’s too bad that I never knew my real grandmother – she died when my mother was 16. My dad told me that my mother takes after her a lot. My late grandmother apparently also had a drinking problems and a pretty cynical state of mind.

Sadly, I won’t ever be able to judge my late grandmother and I don’t know what good and bad things she has done in my mother’s upbringing. Sometimes I wonder, if my ‘real’ granny wouldn’t have passed away (cancer), what would have happened? Would my mother still have turned out to be the same person? Would I have even existed, would she have tried to ‘escape’ her dad by getting pregnant?

This story kind of links with the other one about being ungrateful. I see that now while posting it. It seems to have affected me a great deal, that I have felt ‘unwanted’…

One Saturday afternoon, I came home from horseback riding. I had class every Saturday morning at 10, but used to stick around until I had to hurry home to make it in time for dinner. The stables were about an hour bike from home so hurrying home was not very easy. I can’t tell what happened the whole evening in detail, I just remember that when I was on the toilet in our bathroom upstairs, I was a bit confused for a moment. Had I shit my pants?! Oh, wait… no. It had to be my first period! There was old, brown blood in my panties. It was the first time, and I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt nervous and stupid. I took a shower and washed my panties as well as I could, then used a sanitary towel. Somehow this was in the evening, not long before it was bedtime. I spent some time in my bedroom and then went to kiss my little brother good night. I was 14 at the time, so he was 8. Sitting by his bed, I told him that I’d had my first period and that I didn’t know how to tell mom. I was somehow afraid. I don’t know why, I don’t even think I had a reason for it, but I felt a big rejection, physical refusal to the idea of going up to her and telling what had happened. My brother said, I will do it, she will come to tuck me in soon. No problem. So… I crept back up to my bedroom on the attic, and waited… not long later, I heard my mom going up the stairs to kiss my brother good night.

Now there’s a little gap here. I think she called me to come downstairs. We sat down, we talked, and somehow we get into a fight. It couldn’t have been about the period, I have no idea what it was about. But it was a bad one. It was not really a fight, it was ‘A Talk’. And those were always far worse than any fight.

My mother, she has a drinking problem. She drinks a lot, every day. She is under influence every day, like that day too. It shows and it makes me sad. During The Talk we had, she was also under influence (I can’t say ‘drunk’, somehow that reminds me of annoying people in a bar who obviously drank too much. My mom is always kinda ’secret’ drunk. She is drunk, everybody can see that, but she seems to act normal. Kinda scary).

I have been thinking about it for a while now, but I honestly can’t remember what we talked about. Why we had A Talk, and what we said. I can only remember one thing: she called me an ungrateful child. She had given up her youth for me, and I wasn’t even grateful. I wasn’t ‘good’, as in, do what your mother says and so on (my mom got pregnant at 17, married my dad and had me at 18).

Those words always stayed with me. In a way, it has partly brought me to not wanting kids of my own. Because apparently, kids are a pain in the ass and no rewards comes when you have them. Being a parent is an immense sacrifice and don’t expect anyone to say Thank You! Or something along those lines… I never really understood I guess…