Eeeeeeh ok. Not a very good day. Not sure why I’m blogging, as I am not so inspired at the moment. Though still, a little voice in my head says I should write something…

I had a session with my therapist today. I wasn’t motivated for that at all, as I’m having a very unmotivated day. It happens to be THAT time of the month, so I’m a horrible person right now. I feel like a horrible person anyways. When I got to Amsterdam and was in the bus to go to my therapist, she called me. I turned out that I was going to be half an hour late, because I remembered it incorrectly. I felt so bad about it that I instantly wanted to cry – no, I didn’t want to, it just happened. But, I was on the bus, so I had to force myself not to cry. Why am I such a drama queen?! Oh yeah, the time of the month! Of course… it makes me so… so… weak! It’s annoying! It’s in my way! After about fifteen minutes on the bus, I was thinking lots of different thoughts. There was chaos in my head. I wanted to quit therapy, act stupid to my therapist. Sigh.

The session was shorter than normal because I was half an hour late. We talked a little bit, I talked about work, that I’m not happy with the situation. The company has problems and I’m not happy with how they’re handling it. They’re not telling us anything, not answering my questions. They fired the colleague that was hired to do half of my work, so I’m worried I’m gonna get a shit load of work on top of what I already have. It had just gotten manageable, and now they fired the other girl…

After talking about work, we went on with the subject ‘I mess everything up’. That’s a general thought that I have. I’m no good, I make too many mistake, I fuck everything up, I tear things apart. Honestly, you can’t even count all the things that broke down because of me. CD players, shower heads, the floor in this house, the carpet in my mums house, the… well lots of things. It went on about how my parents used to tell me I’m not ‘worth’ any new stuff (clothes, toys, gadgets) because I will break them anyway. Basically, being talked down.

While talking about all these things, and especially when we got to ‘Voice Dialogue’ (that’s her method), the thought constantly crept up to me that I didn’t want to be there. It felt useless, repeating the same shit over and over again. I felt stupid, knowing that what I’m saying makes no sense, even though I happen to feel that way. Lots of my thoughts, fears, ideas about myself, make no sense. So, I’m wrong again. I’m messing it up again.

I’m going around in circles and it feels pretty useless.

Another thing that I did today (I’m fed up with the therapy subject for now), was think about this contest I saw in a magazine. It’s a writing contest… they’re challenging me to write a thriller story. It has to be 1000 words maximum (I have no idea how much that is). I always feel some sort of excitement when I read about a writing or blogging contest (the particular magazine has had several) but I never joined. I find it extremely difficult to write for an assignment, to write something that has ‘rules’. Though I find it extremely difficult to write something, period. Anything that isn’t fanfix, is extremely difficult, lol. Fanfix would be extremely difficult at the moment!! Actually, I can’t write at all… hehehe. I was only driven by my Roxette / Per Gessle obsession. It lead to a handful of stories – of doubtful quality and genre – and got a handful of fans horny. That’s about it.

How to write a thriller story? There were three examples in the magazine. I found two out of three pretty boring, the third one was ok. Kinda freaky, I like that. Twists and turns. And it doesn’t end well, lol.

Ah well. I don’t really know if I can really write or not. I’ve never had an honest, objective opinion from anyone, other than my ‘fans’ (puke!). No opinions or advice from anyone who knows what they’re talking about… so!! Maybe I should join the contest and see what happens… eh, well, then I’d have to write a story first, lol…