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Ok, it’s not morning anymore but I feel like it is. It’s Sunday and I’m lazy. I don’t want to do anything, but I don’t want to waste the day either… tough mood to be in, I can tell you that hahaha… So I’m just hanging around the house now. Doing the laundry, talking to some people online.
I’ve been trying really hard to stick to my diet the last couple days but it seems to be impossible! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I had 4 really great weeks where I lost 5 kilos and now… I’m watching them coming back. I don’t even dare to stand on the scale, I just ignore that thing. Yesterday I ate some snacks at my grandmother’s place and I had something in the middle of the night. It fucks me up, why am I so weak?! I’ve been up only a few hours now and so far, I’m good. I got a lot of groceries yesterday, most of the things described in the book. So this coming week should be easier, when all the things I have to eat are at hand.
Mr. D. did reply my message Friday night. “What do you want me to do?” he wrote. This frustrated me even more – his constant questions what I want or expect or wish. I just want you to follow your heart! Live a little bit more, follow your goals and dreams. If I’m not part of them, tough shit. At least you’re doing what you want. Make a choice and don’t come back to it all the time because you regret it. I wrote him back ‘I want you to come over and make love to me all night. But it’s not relevant what I want, is it?’ It took him a while to reply to that. He said, ‘Yes and no. I won’t come over tonight but will you think about seeing each other again…’ me: ‘listen to your heart or to the mind? Stay behind or move on? I don’t know anymore’. I wrote it in a more general way but I can’t translate it. He didn’t reply. Last night I wrote him ‘On what I want you do to: follow your heart, listen to your feelings. And do I want to see you: Yes, even though I think I better not’. He replied that he has to think about it, his mind is set on some other things he has to figure out. His car is broken, or whatever. That’s no news. I’m not at all interested in his fucking car or what other things are going on in his chaotic life.
The pretty boy surprised me yesterday. He was on a Dutch island with a group of friends, hanging out and drinking until dawn. He was super hung over but in good spirits – this guy seems to be in good spirits all the time hehe. He asked how my Friday night had been and I couldn’t bring myself to say it was great. It was great – except for Mr. D.’s intervention. I told him a bit about Mr. D. and he was so… sweet. Just sweet, understanding and smart. He got the picture quite well. I admitted that Mr. D. had been pushed to the background when I met him, and that I was glad that everything was uncomplicated between us. PB (pretty boy) agreed that what we have is uncompicated, just fun, and we’ll see where it’s going. He said, ‘Mr. D. sounds like he can’t make up his mind. I have often felt the same in the past, it seemed like I was never on the same level as the girls I dated. We were never feeling the same about each other and the relationship, so it never lasted. That made me decide to never get into it to deep, just take it as it comes. I don’t make promises anymore or use heavy words.’ … and that’s pretty smart. That’s the kind of guy I need right now. It’s a relieve to talk to someone who’s honest and clear on what he thinks, wants and doesn’t want. I can’t wait to see him again 
Oh and… J. is coming over in two weeks… *rolls eyes* I won’t say anything more about it, it’s too ridiculous…………
Ok. The person who can tell me why it’s been more than 20 days since my last blog, please stand up! Too many days have gone by, too much has happened and I have written nothing. I’m just a lazy slut… but that’s no news.
The first week of the diet, I nearly died because the empty-stomach syndrome. I felt like walking around with a hole where my stomach used to be. On Saturday, I was allowed to weigh myself. You can only have one day a week on which you check your weight, it shouldn’t become an obsession (if it wasn’t an obsession already, I wouldn’t have started the diet in the first place though). That first Saturday, my scale told me I had lost two kilo’s. I was stunned and excited and went to the gym to put in some extra effort!!
The second week of the diet was easier, I managed getting all the groceries, cooking dinner every evening (oh my god) and not eating the forbidden stuff (= everything that’s not menu) got easier day by day. Now I’m in the third week, I’m not sure what my weight is. Last Saturday morning when I checked my weight, it was still at 75 kilo. When I checked again in the evening, it seemed to point out 74 kilo… kind of strange huh? I don’t have an electric scale so it’s hard to tell what it’s saying. Let’s say I’m 74 now. I like that thought 
This week I’m not doing so good. Mr. D. is back, creating chaos. We sent each other hot sms-es every day last week. Sunday night he came back vacation in France. We spent the whole night together and we didn’t really sleep. It was great and not so great at the same time. I don’t know what this guy is doing with me. For a moment I feel pretty normal and then when he’s around, I turn into this idiot lunatic and I don’t know where I stand anymore. Do I love him? Do I hate him? Is he making me happy and miserable at the same time? Yes, yes and yes. So where the fuck do I stand?
I think I understand who he is and how he is, and why he is like that. But understanding is not naturally followed by acceptance. As much as I understand that his behavior is influenced by an ADHD/ADD disorder, and as much as I understand that he lives for his work, I can’t come to accept the lack of attention. Lack of interest. Lack of time, and unwillingness to make time. I feel like he’s taking me for granted. I know it happens in any relationship, but in the fourth month…?
I know he’s not intentionally lacking interest, time or attention. I know he’s simply incapable. He can’t give me what I need.
ok. i’m in a hurry. got no time to bother about the text being neat, typed in word and all… i have to hurry a bit.
weight this morning: 77 kg (so i guess this is my ‘clean weight’. my BMI says 75 kg is my maximum, so i’m actually ‘only’ 3 kg too heavy. but on the other hand, i don’t see 3 kg when i look in the mirror. i don’t think 3 kg less is gonna help me. so i’m still in the race for 70 kg round)
food today: 1 cracker with jam, 1 cracker with peanut butter, 1 apple, 1 banana, 1 orange, 2 evergreen (cookies with raisins), 1 small yogurt with jam and crunchies, 1 white bun with chicken and pesto-mayo (bad bad bad), 1 brown bun with cheese and cucumber, 1 cracker with chicken and cucumber, one cracker with fruit-sprinkles, 1 cup of chicken soup (the powder type), 1 mint-candy
drinks today: about 1 L of water, 1 glass of yogurt drink, half a can of diet-coke, about 4 cups of herbal tea
this covers the whole day, there’s no real dinner today – again. i should have drank more water but my bottle was smelling bad, lol and i was too lazy to get a glass and walk to the water machine all the time… now, i’m exhausted and i’m gonna crash on the couch.
i had moments of dizzyness and unwell-feelings today. no idea if it’s the food or the tiredness. i didn’t really eat less today than on normal days, just no candy. NO CANDY! oh well… i’m looking at a small jar of candy right now…
Weight in the evening: 78 kg
Food today: 2 mini snickers, 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 evergreen, 1 bun with raisins (no butter), 1 slice of dark brown bread with tuna salad and pickles, 1 slice of dark brown bread with ham and brie (French cheese), 1 wholewheat cracker with butter and chocolate chips, one small cold pesto-pasta salad (God knows what was in there)
Drinks today: 1 small glass of yogurt drink, 3 or 4 cups of tea, 0,5 L water, 2/3 ca of chocolate milk
Exercise: 1 hour of BodyPump, 10 minutes of biking, approx 15 minutes of stairs up and down
You know, it’s not that I’m stupid or anything. I can see a pattern here too, I’m not totally ignorant. I know the things I’m eating are not in balance with the hours I spend in the gym. Today is actually a good day because I have to teach. But then still, the things I’ve eaten today are not at all lost with one hour of BodyPump (which is light weight lifting, meant to tone and strengthen the muscles rather than to become muscular).
Saturday I bought a scale. That’s why I know I weight 78 kg – at this moment that is. I heard once that you should weigh yourself in the morning, before showering and after you’ve been to the toilet. So I will try to do that on a regular basis. I also bought the book of a famous Dutch health-expert. She wrote a 2-month program with which you can loose weight in a very healthy way. Many people are cynical and negative about her, saying there are not enough calories in her day-to-day menu. But after reading what she wrote about it, I think it’s ok. Of course it’s not nearly as much as I eat now, and not as much as most people eat, but if you don’t cut down the amount of calories you eat in one day, you’ll never loose any weight.
Another option for me would be to just stop my bad eating habits. Like the fries and burger last Thursday, followed by the pizza-order on Friday and chips and candy on Sunday (ok I was in a bad mood!). But it seems I can’t shake off the bad habits. And then still, I would have to add more gym hours to actually loose the extra kg. I’m not sure what the right weight is for me. My BMI says the highest I can weigh is 75 to still be acceptable. I think I’m going to set my goal at 70 kg.
I haven’t started my diet yet. Let’s see if I can manage to write down here every day what I’ve eaten and how much I weigh – preferably in the morning of course – and then get ready for my diet after the weekend….
