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I feel strange. It feels strange to be relieved, while I am in such shit. I wonder, shouldn’t I be crying? Shouldn’t I be… walking around the house without purpose, looking for nothing, doing nothing, not knowing what to do with myself? Shouldn’t I break into tears after listening to ‘I will always love you’ by Whitney Houston?! I’ve been doing those things for a couple of weeks already, and now it’s suddenly gone. Maybe I have no more tears left. I feel like… a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. Back to normal, though that sounds weird. I’ve hooked up my hard disk and am listening to music. Nothing strange, you would say, but I haven’t done that in quite some time. I haven’t had the need to loose myself in my music. I didn’t even remember what it was that I did, sitting with that laptop evening after evening, sometimes until 4 in the morning. Something had changed, and now when I’m thinking about it… purpose. There was always a purpose to be online, lately, or to not be online. MM… was the reason I would log in, or not log in if I knew he wouldn’t be there. He was the reason to keep my mailbox open, to check my phone every couple of minutes. I don’t do any of those things now. I have picked up old habits without really noticing it. I was up until 4-ish last night, listening to music and trying to write.
I don’t understand my own behaviour… well I haven’t done much today, hung around the house, was bored, too grumpy to do anything. That I can understand.
Again, I am typing and deleting. Everything I’m writing turns into explanations. I don’t know if MM is reading this. I had closed my blog for some time and I have no idea if he has seen that it’s open now. I can’t write down my thoughts while I keep wondering if he might read it… one of the mistakes I made with him, is that I often said what I thought he would want to hear. To make him feel good. If he would feel good, he would like me better… he would love me more… I want to write what I am thinking without considering who might read it!
I am dissecting my own mind, trying to find the reasons behind my feelings and actions. I understand a little bit more of myself since I got therapy early this year. Some things were shocking, some shameful and some just sad. But it explained some things, too. I am a sucker for attention and I used to pull tricks to get it. That’s behind me now, I found out there are other ways to get attention, and that I won’t die if I don’t get it. But saying things to make someone feel better, in order to keep them close… didn’t work out right.
MM called me the morning after the chat when I confessed the big lie. He’s doubting everything I have ever said, he asked me what value those words have now. What did it mean now when I called him sweetie? What did the poems mean that I wrote to him? It’s the worst thing that can happen… the person you love doubts your words… doubts your feelings, doubts everything. He doubts my whole person, what I am, who I am…. ‘That you are capable of something like that,’ he said about the lie. I am still a little confused about it… ‘that’- is it the lie or the act?
I always knew had a problem with the fact that I was hanging out with some different guys for a while. I wrote about them here too… the Counsellor, the Photographer and the Pretty Boy. It was the time after Mr. D. when I was suddenly relaxed about guys and dating. I had been very uptight about it in the years before, Mr. D. kind of freed me from that – though I want to grant that to myself, not to him. MM can’t deal with the fact that I… slept around. I understand he wouldn’t want a slut for a girlfriend. And I understand that he got a wrong image of me, because he got to know me during that time. He never knew me when I was still hidden under my comfortable stone.
When we were arguing, it seemed he didn’t know me at all. I thought I had told him all there is to know about me. I thought I had warned him for the stupid things I can do… I thought I had it all covered. But it didn’t help. Now I am looking at everything from a whole new perspective, and the things I am writing here now, I didn’t realise before. I’m afraid I gave him a wrong image of me. And when I dared to be myself, it was too late.
(Omg I am so stupid!! The same thing happened with Mr. D.! I also did what I thought he wanted… and when I felt safe with him and became more myself, it went totally wrong. Oh god I am such a stupid moron…)
I wrote a long e-mail to him after the fight. I wrote that I regret that I lied about meeting the Counsellor. I regret the lie, not the fact that it happened. I know it doesn’t sound very… how do you say… regretful. But that’s really how I feel. I shouldn’t have… hidden my doubts about MM, about us. I shouldn’t have said what I thought he wanted to hear, I should have spoken my mind. I haven’t always been honest – not that I lied constantly to him, but I didn’t tell him everything I did, thought and felt. I kept things from him, and I regret that now. I didn’t think it would matter. I didn’t think there would be anything in the future for me with a married father of 3. I meant what I said, I meant every loving word I said and my poems were real. My hopes and dreams were never fake, or lies. I just didn’t say anything about the sadness I felt behind it all. Some sort of constant threat, my expectation that everything would fall apart one day. I would end up alone because he was just going to stay with his wife. I had been saying that since the first couple of e-mails we exchanged through the daing site.
One time, I don’t remember exactly when, he said that I never said that I missed him. I was missing him constantly, sitting alone on the couch sighing. Watching tv without seeing anything, my phone in my hand and one eye on my computer. Seems so… disturbing to constantly whine about that… in the same lines, I didn’t tell him about my constant fear.
A little later, I am reading what I have written. Is this a good self-analysis? Or am I just making up excuses and explanations – once again – for the fact that I slept with one man while I was making another one believe that he was the only one?
I am so shocked that I never realised I was following the same pattern as I did with Mr. D.! Following his lead, was the mistake I made then. I let him make the rules, I just followed them. I didn’t really think that was wrong… but you can’t be one person first and then all of a sudden change into someone else. That didn’t exactly happen with MM, I was mostly myself to him from the beginning on. It’s not what I said, it’s what I didn’t say.
I have been raging for almost two pages now and it took me all evening and part of the night to write, read and re-write… I better go to bed soon.
I have been in pretty shitty shape before, and have had plenty of awful periods in my life. To this list, I can now add a new one. And it doesn’t seem to be over anytime soon.
The shit at work has changed a little. I have changed my behavior. This makes people act different towards me, but sadly it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten about the whole back-stabbing and talking behind my back shit. I am still angry and disappointed about some people I work with, I don’t know how they can manage to put up with the mess that we’re in. I am also not sure how I was able to turn my mood around. One day, everything sucked and I hated everyone. The next day I was able to act normal towards them. I guess the pep talk I gave myself had more affect than I expected. The fact that there aren’t any interesting jobs around at the moment, helps me to stick with it. Some of those fuckers already said I’d better leave, so who cares when I do it. They already gave up.
Financially, I’m in big trouble. No one is banging on my door yet, but not far from it. I don’t even want to discuss it!!
On to the next issue, the most important one – MM. We had a big fight this week, the shit really hit the fan. Right now I’m still angry. I have written several things tonight, deleted it, wrote something else, deleted that too. I can’t put my feelings into words… all I can write down are thoughts, excuses, explanations. It makes me sick when I read it, I’m so tired of making excuses, tired of explaining myself. Why I did this, why I said that, why I didn’t do this or forgot to… what ever.
I can’t write now. Maybe later…
Eeeh ok. Some time has gone by and I barely know where to start. Will I ever learn to keep my blog up to date? Afraid not.
It’s Wednesday today, my second working day after the trip to Turkey with my mum. Coming home and getting back to work was shocking, I felt like I had been away for weeks and at the same time, never left at all. Nothing had changed since I left, and the vacation instantly seemed far away.
Before I left, I had problem with MM. I was already off on Friday the 25th, buying the last things and packing my bag. The flight was very early Sunday morning. Friday early evening, I suddenly realised that I had promised my colleague and friend HH to come to his BD party. I stressed out, sent sms to other colleagues, how late, where, who got the present, and so on. I told MM sorry, I have to go now, I got a party I totally forgot about. HH is a very good friend and I haven’t seen him for quite some time ‘cos he’s not working in our office anymore. Little later, on the train, I got an sms. It was MM, saying ‘I don’t want this anymore. I think we should quit for the time being’ or something along those lines. I stared at my phone in shock, but without any clue. What was this about?!
I realised quickly that it happened again, I had done it again. I had stomped on his soul again without even noticing it. It took us some hours to talk normally. He said I had first promised him to be online and talk with him on Friday evening, because after that I would be hard to reach for a whole week. On Friday morning, I woke up feeling awfully tired because the evening before we already had the same sort of issue and we talked into the night to get it out of the way. I kind of complained, that I was dead and needed an early night that evening. Not realising I had promised to chat with him as well. And then suddenly, half past five in the afternoon, I realised I had this party to go to… though I explained to him and he seemed understanding, it became clear that I had stomped him once again. It has happened before. I am such a chaos most of the time, I don’t remember what I have said, promised or contemplated a couple of days ago. He felt that I had stood him up. I understand that, because the internet is all we have… on the other hand, I had to sigh because… well, this is me, this is how I am. I don’t know how to change that. I am not an organised person and I have never been. I live from one thought to another, my moods, opinions and plans can change any time. And that has never been a problem, because I was always alone. There was nobody expecting anything from me, or waiting for me. Only a handful of friends who usually had no problem with change of plans in the last moments.
Now I got MM… he’s counting on me. He’s expecting me. He’s waiting for me… I suddenly have to be responsible for my actions, for someone else’s sake! I haven’t had that in… soooo long. Now that I am writing this down (on the train 
), I am smiling. I love it that he’s… there. That someone is waiting for me, expecting me, counting on me 
Ok… so then… I went on vacation. Omg. I have to write about that another time. It will be a book, titled: My Mother’s Issues, Chapter 1-100………..
Yesterday I asked MM when we can meet. I had already asked him to come Sunday or Monday – I came home Sunday afternoon and didn’t have to work until Tuesday, but there was no possibility for us to meet that weekend. He replied that next weekend is also not good, because he’s starting therapy with his wife on Wednesday. I understand that he has to be focussed on them and their problems when he goes there. He can’t walk around on a cloud because we had a lovely time together. I even think it would be hard to have a ‘lovely’ time now, with so many things going on… it changed my mood instantly from a pink cloud to sadness. We have to create distance somehow. He has to focus on his marriage problems, and I also got enough shit of my own that needs attention…
Now it’s already late in the evening and I’m going to finish here. So many questions, no answers. Though after this vacation with mum I know one thing: she has a lot more issues than me, and she ignores all of them… I think and hope, that I will solve my problems one by one, a little step at the time. And then her issues will no longer be a problem for me…
My cat Tinus desperately tries to get on my lap, but it’s kinda hard when there’s a notebook already sitting here… hehe. He constantly tries to get on my lap, and if I don’t shove him off every once in a while, he would stay there all day and not move a paw.
Well, here I am again. A new day. The sun is shining and it’s Friday, two reasons why this is a good day. I don’t feel great though, too many things going on to worry about.
As I flip through my blog, I am surprised that there are so little postings about MM. It seems that from the beginning, I have been keeping him a little bit to myself. One of the reasons could be that he is reading this blog, so I might have been cautious with writing about him, not on purpose I must say. Right now there is so much going on with him, I just have to write about it. I am now in a situation I didn’t see coming for a long time.
About 2 months ago, MM went on vacation to France with his family. It was difficult for us to say goodbye for a month… he came over to my place the Friday before they left. It was painful to let him go, he was insecure about not seeing me for 3 weeks, afraid we would ‘loose’ something. I was mostly worrying about not being able to talk to him. The vacation went by and it turned out to be easy to keep in touch. He had brought his laptop and purchased an internet card. We chatted on MSN with our webcams. Apart from that, we also spoke on the phone quite often. There was a very difficult moment when we had sort of a fight, though I’m not totally sure what it was about. I remember that I was on the train and was angry and sad about something that he had said, probably about me not coming online or not replying or… mm I’m not sure. He called me and we talked for a while, and I remember him asking me if I wanted to quit. In that moment, my heart skipped a beat. And again, do you want to end this? Skip. I was shocked with that suggestion. Strange things happened in my mind. Stop seeing him? Stop considering him my boyfriend? Stop talking to him, stop making love? But also… stop sneaking around, stop staying up late to discuss difficult things, stop wondering and stop hoping for a miracle. I heard myself say, no of course not. I’m not the kind of person to choose the easy way out. I am not afraid to fight for my happiness, and that is what I am doing with him, every day.
MM once said that it hurts to love me. It’s also a struggle for me, this situation. What is right? Or is everything just wrong?
Back to the current events. After MM’s vacation, he came to see me on a Friday. It wasn’t an easy visit, we had a rough week before. He came over again the next day. I was so happy to see him, to just be with him. Talk to him, listen to him talk. Just look at him. A little voice in my head sometimes whispers, this could be the one.
Not long after that, his wife got ill. She was in bed, being miserable. It seemed to be a case of flu or a bladder infection at first, but it turned out much worse. When the doctor used the word ‘hepatitis’, I was totally shocked. There are different sorts of hepatitis and at least one of them is an STD. Thinking this over, and talking about it, we realized that if she had hep B, there was only one way she could have caught it – through him, from me. The past weeks have been scary and tense. MM has been going over it a million times at least, if she has the hep B, he would have to tell her what has been going on between us. We had dozens of theories about how the disease works, what the symptoms are, why it would or would not turn out to be this particular disease. When the doctor told them it was Eppstein-Barr, I was relieved and sad at the same time. It meant that we were of the hook for now, but it also meant that she was in a lot worse state than expected. She was shortly admitted to the hospital
MM has been hitting himself in the head now for so long and so hard, the whole situation got to him. The thought of having to tell her about his affair, probably leading to the end of the marriage, stuck in his head and got a life of its own. I know he hasn’t been content with his marriage for some time now. I have told him that I think that, whenever a man gets into an affair with another woman, something must be wrong. The perfect marriage he described to me when we became friends, was maybe not so perfect after all. To me it sounds more like an agreement than a relationship. You tolerate each other, you accept the fact that the love has changed and the feelings are not so strong as they used to be. For some people, that might be enough. But then when you meet someone else and you get a taste of fresh, new, passionate love… maybe the silent, steady agreement at home doesn’t seem so perfect anymore.
I have a strong opinion on these matters. Partly because I am the child of a broken marriage, partly because I am an outsider looking in. It’s easy to decide when you are not in the middle of everything. In my opinion, everybody who feels ’stuck’ in a relationship, should do something about it. I can’t understand why people accept the fact that they are unhappy and just carry on being unhappy. Perhaps not even really unhappy… just… even. Everything’s ok. It’s not shit, and it’s not great either. Just ok.
Except the part where I believe you should choose your own happiness over giving it up for other people’s happiness, there’s also the child-matter. They have three children between 11-14 years old. MM said several times he doesn’t want to hurt them by ending the marriage. I totally understand that, when parents break up, kids suffer no matter what you do. They are always the victim. On the other hand, I think kids are also suffering when the marriage sucks and one of the partners (or both) is feeling miserable about it.
This week, the shit has hit the fan at MM’s place. He told his wife that he’s not happy in the marriage, and later also that he’s been seeing someone else. From what I understand, she was shocked and surprised and not at all feeling the same way. Right now she’s still ill.
It has taken me all day to write this post! I started this morning after my boss had called me. I kept getting disturbed or distracted by things. Now I think it’s time to end it, it’s gotten to nearly two pages and I a bit fed up with the whole story. I feel like my brain is on overload and I can’t think anymore. I will post this, and close it, and put my mind to some simpler things; my eBay sales 
It’s been ages since I wrote anything and I don’t really know where to start… things are not so great at the moment. There are so many things going on that I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. They fly around from issue to issue, changing the topic constantly, and never focusing on anything. As a result, I am dizzy with thoughts and tired of thinking.
This morning when I got up, I felt like a wreck. I didn’t get much sleep and it’s been too many short nights in a row. I get headaches often, my body is sore and my sinus seems to be infected.
By the time I’ve written this, it’s already incredibly late. I spent the evening talking with MM, and when he went off to bed, I had a long phone conversation with my colleague E.
There’s a lot of shit in the fan at the moment… most things, I should be able to work out myself. There are also issues with MM, not with me but between him and his wife. The only thing I can do is wait and see how things develop.
It’s too late now to write more, but I intend to come back soon and write more, to sort out the chaos in my head.
