PS

PS1 that picture, that’s me on the beach. MM took it.
PS2 I’ve been watching ‘Heavenly Creatures’, what a strange movie :-/
PS3 I have started my e-bay sales again. No luck yet.

So many doubts about the post before this… should I? Should I not? I am so confused.

What I forgot to mention, is that during the fight with MM on the phone, I said something about, why are we actually fighting? What is this all about? We can fight about this for ever, we can solve it or not solve it, everything is still a big mess. The bullshit we are in, won’t go away. He’s in therapy with his wife, for god’s sake… what the hell are we fighting for?

I have had these thoughts every time we were fighting or disagreeing or something. Why am I bothering to do this…

Sometimes it just all feels so useless, and that makes me so sad. All I wanted was to feel love and enjoy it… now I am left with my heart broken. My personality broken, my security broken, everything is lying on the floor in a thousand pieces.

Alright, I should really get some sleep… *sigh*

Finally back online!

After tooooo long without a laptop at home, I finally got mine back from HP. It kind of feels like they’re screwing me over, because I have to pay for the new screen while it wasn’t my fault that it broke   But apparently, the screen is not included in the warranty. Oh btw, excuse me for any spelling mistakes, I haven’t downloaded Open Office yet, so I’m just typing this online… kinda risky, I know.

Oh man. So much has happened since I wrote something, it’s not even two weeks ago is it?!

First of all, MM and I had no contact for 4 days. I was horribly sad, cried my eyes out for days. We decided to break up for the time being. He’s starting therapy with his wife soon and the therapist said he couldn’t have any contact with me during the therapy, to avoid external influences… I understand that and I agree, but man, this is tough. I was used to talking to him everyday, wether it was online or on the phone or just over sms, it didn’t matter. We were in touch 24/7. Then he came over on Friday evening. We sat on the couch a while in silence, everything had already been said. We talked a while, cried… kissed and hugged. And then he was off. Walked out of my life, it felt like. I didn’t know what the hell to do with myself. He took his mini laptop with him, and with that my main source of distraction. Nothing to do!!! I watched a lot of tv but basically walked around the house, worrying. Memories overflowing me.

After four days, he couldn’t stand it anymore and sent me an e-mail… OMG I was soooo relieved! He said he couldn’t do without a sign once in a while, and he was in the same bad state as I was. We have kept in touch mostly through sms, and yesterday we chatted a while on msn… we’re not supposed to, actually. Almost every message leaves me in tears again. Sunday when I was cleaning the house, he sms-ed that he missed me horribly but saying it out loud would make it harder for both of us. It’s true… the distance between us felt immense when there was complete silence, but now it’s hard to decide what I can or can not do. When is it ok to send a message? How often? Will I reply to everything? And if he doesn’t reply, does that mean I’m too intruding or is he just busy? Difficult :-/

Lots of things went on at work too. I don’t even know where to start with explaining what happened… people have been talking bad about me behind my back. Management and directors that is. Saying that I do a lousy job, saying that there have been too many problems between me and the company, that it can’t be repaired, it will never be solved. The problems between me and the company, whatever they mean, I’m not even sure. I absolutely hate the way this company is run and I am not afraid to say something. And I am not the only one! The managers and directors are the people who are screwing things up, not the people who work there.

Well, I will write about work more when I feel like it. It just makes me angry now. I’m gonna watch tv…

The one I wrote on the train!!!

Over the past 10 years (my whole working life), I have been sitting in trains to and from work, courses or dates with friends. I have stared out of the train windows for hours, always seeing similar images. Sometimes they have changed over time, but they stay mostly the same. Even in the evening when it’s dark, I can exactly tell where I am from spotting tiny details outside the window. On many of those staring moments, I had ideas for stories, blogs or poems. Only rarely I could write them down. There was either no paper and pen around, or the thoughts were simply too complicated for pen and paper. I don’t carry a laptop around every day so… no chance to write anything from the train.

This has no changed!! I am sitting in a train writing this this opportunity won’t last very long I’m afraid, as this super cute tiny mini laptop isn’t mine. It belongs to my sweet darling MM, who lend this to me because my own laptop has some issues. Now I can at least be online this made me totally happy. I was already stressing out when I had to send money from one bank account to another, last Saturday. Luckily my laptop worked a little bit so I could get it done, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get groceries, lol…

So now, I’m sitting on the train writing a blog. Something I have longed to do for years, probably all the 10 years I have been travelling back and forth to the Amsterdam area. Right now, I don’t really have a great idea or something special to write about, I’m just enjoying the fact that I can

I have reached station Heiloo. This is the last station before my city, Alkmaar, comes up. So only a little while longer to enjoy this lovely fact… I have saved this document and when I get home, I’m gonna upload it to my blog oh what a joy!! How small things can make me so happy

What else to tell… I went to bed last night at a quarter to ten. How about that for a change?! Usually I go to late. I drag myself to bed when I am half dead. But at least I have seen ALL the series on TV, or I have played ALL the games on Facebook, or I would have at least talked about everything I can think of with my sweetie. In other words, usually my late nights have no good reason. When I get to work the next morning, half-dead, people will ask; ‘Party last night?’ and I’m thinking, I wish that was the reason. The reason is just that I am an ignorant bitch and I simply hate going to bed. I love sleeping, don’t get me wrong! But going to bed is like… so boring! And so definite. There’s nothing you can do once you are in bed. If you forgot to do something, or forgot to write something down, or forgot to say something to somebody, you can’t do it anymore… I am always afraid of forgetting something. Or missing out on something. Or, possibly my biggest fear of all: not being useful. Oh gosh, I totally hate that feeling… I haven’t done anything usefull?! WTF?! How dare you Chantie!! You can’t end this day without doing at least ONE useful thing. And because you have been such a bad girl, you have to do two!!

Oops, I have almost reached my station now so I better go… hihi. I love writing on the train!!!!!

Unmotivated

Yeah… so… I said to MM that I was going to write a blog. So here I am, a blank Word page in front of me. What to write? This day kinda sucked. My bike got stolen, which feels like I am in some sort of prison, dependant of the bus . Last week my laptop broke down, well the screen gives white stripes and I can hardly read what’s on the screen. So now, my sweet Mr. M. brought me his mini laptop!! Now I am online, alive and kicking

I blog so seldom that I don’t know where to start now. There are too many things going on. My mind is spinning, my life feels like a big mess. I can’t concentrate on writing. It’s the same as work, I can’t concentrate on anything there either. There is no focus, I just stare at my screen and don’t know where to start. The pile of work seems impossibly big and it only grows and grows. The same is going on in my private life. The problems just pile up one after another.

Pffff I can’t write. I’m too… mixed up. Unfocussed.

Weekend lalalalalalalalalala

Aaaaaah sunshine!! I’m loving the weather, even though I’m spending the whole weekend inside. It’s great to wake up with the sun peeking under the door, and looking out the window to see a great blue sky yeah, there are some clouds, but that’s ok.

So, what’s up… Apart from my internet, now my laptop isn’t working either. The internet provider sent me a new modem via mail but it wasn’t working. Not sure what the problem is, because my laptop is acting weird too It keeps showing a blue screen, then restarts. And it keeps doing that, everytime it has been started for a few seconds, it’s off again. Highly annoying. I don’t know what to do with it. Should I get it fixed? If so, who, what, where? I can ask my stepdad, he has this shop where he goes with his computer when something’s wrong. Blah

Other than that, I’ve just tidied up the house. It’s still fun to vacuum the whole place in half of the time it used to take me in the other house. It wasn’t fun to clean up the cat-pee. They annoy the hell out of me!! They’re asking for my attention every second of the day I’m home. One or the other will jump on my lap soon as I sit down. Everything is covered in hairs. They want outside, I open the window, they keep chasing me around the house. They are not using the open window and I’m getting cold. Aaaargh!! Anyone wants two cats? For free?

I’m already fed up with typing on this tiny screen, lol? So I’m gonna leave it at this.