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I have been in pretty shitty shape before, and have had plenty of awful periods in my life. To this list, I can now add a new one. And it doesn’t seem to be over anytime soon.
The shit at work has changed a little. I have changed my behavior. This makes people act different towards me, but sadly it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten about the whole back-stabbing and talking behind my back shit. I am still angry and disappointed about some people I work with, I don’t know how they can manage to put up with the mess that we’re in. I am also not sure how I was able to turn my mood around. One day, everything sucked and I hated everyone. The next day I was able to act normal towards them. I guess the pep talk I gave myself had more affect than I expected. The fact that there aren’t any interesting jobs around at the moment, helps me to stick with it. Some of those fuckers already said I’d better leave, so who cares when I do it. They already gave up.
Financially, I’m in big trouble. No one is banging on my door yet, but not far from it. I don’t even want to discuss it!!
On to the next issue, the most important one – MM. We had a big fight this week, the shit really hit the fan. Right now I’m still angry. I have written several things tonight, deleted it, wrote something else, deleted that too. I can’t put my feelings into words… all I can write down are thoughts, excuses, explanations. It makes me sick when I read it, I’m so tired of making excuses, tired of explaining myself. Why I did this, why I said that, why I didn’t do this or forgot to… what ever.
I can’t write now. Maybe later…
On the train again! Staring out the window, I can see a half-cloudy but clear sky, the sun is there and the air is fresh and crisp. I like this weather, even though it’s hard to say goodbye to the summer.
Lots of things are going on at work. My colleague and friend Loud is leaving at the end of November, she’s moving to Costa Rica – of all places!! She’s been planning it for years so it wasn’t a surprise. I will miss her, it will be quiet in the office. The management is planning her replacements but it’s a big mess, they can’t really decide what kind of person they are looking for and what tasks this person will get. Loud’s manager and the director have different idea’s about it. Our director, one of the worst I have met yet, wants the new Support to take some other tasks as well. Loud asked him, how one person should manager so many things in one job. He said that we should all be ‘flexible’… I heard the other director, the Sherrif, use that word about 15 times in a meeting we had some time ago. They shuffled our back office, basically gave everyone a new set of tasks and more than before. I said, after hearing the word ‘flexible’ so much, that I was expecting them to use that against us in the future. Everything can be put under ‘flexible’. You don’t want to do this because it’s not in your job description? Come on, be flexible. You don’t want to work late every day? That’s not very flexible! And so on. And it happened just as I had predicted.
I sent out another application today and brushed my resume again. Nothing really interesting is going on yet. Also, I’m still waiting for my manager to reply my request for more salary. She’s been sick and we talked only shortly, so no news yet. Even if she would raise my salary, I still don’t want to stay. I’m so fed up with this company and especially its management, I can’t stand it anymore. They annoy me to the max.
Another colleague and very good friend – who I haven’t given a nickname yet – has a conflict with the director about her contract and salary. He promised her things, but now isn’t living up to it. She told him she doesn’t agree with her new contract, so she will stay under the terms of the old one. He got angry and refused to discuss it with her anymore. He basically sent her out of the room. This man is a moron, I tell you. He’s a neurotic, dominant, arrogant and stupid prick. He thinks his company is great, everything’s going well and everybody loves him. Above all, he thinks he’s right. He’s not. There are at least 3 people looking for other jobs, including me. And I know two others who wouldn’t turn down a good offer. Oh, how triumphant it would be to leave him all alone in his office with his big mouth…
Enough about work. It totally annoys me. I want something new, something that’s within biking distance of my house and pays me enough money to pay my bills with. I have decided to ask 2500.- when applying online. It’s 350.- more than I get now and very reasonable for the things I’m applying to. Now I just have to find the right match…
Other than work, I have daydreamed about MM all day long. Staring at the screen or at my phone, waiting for his messages. I am so in love with him and it makes me so happy… hehe 
it’s a bit strange because we’ve had such a hard time and actually, the situation is still far from great. But I can’t help it, I just totally and utterly adore him.
Now it’s weekend. Tonight I wanna lay on the couch, watch TV and perhaps tidy up a bit. Tomorrow I might have a friend over for dinner, I’m not sure ‘cos she always decides at the last moment if she comes or not. I’m thinking of inviting Dennis for dinner on Sunday. He’s often lonely, and I’m too lazy to cook just for myself so we make a good pair. The rest of the weekend, I should tidy up my house and it would be good if I can put some stuff on eBay. I haven’t had any items running since my vacation, so my cash-flow on PayPal has come to a standstill – not good 
I will close the laptop now and stare at the sky for the last 15 mins of my trip. And daydream… 
On the train again, writing again
What an utterly boring day. And it lasted way too long, too. I was so bored at work… I am so fed up with my job, even with the parts I used to like. I have been surfing on the internet for other jobs and sent out about 4 or 5 applications, I’m not even sure. Just click, click, click… I’m curious what responses I will get. I updated my profile on several jobsites, I hadn’t done that in a long time. I got a response quickly from an employment agency that said my resume is fantastic (I know, it’s my job to make them look good, lol) and if I want to come over for an interview. Of course a very positive response, but there was no information about the jobs she had to offer. When I asked her for that, she said she couldn’t say and I should come over to talk about it. I told her that’s not possible. I won’t go to any agencies doing ‘open’ interviews, nothing has ever come from that in all the 15 years I’ve been working. So, too bad that didn’t work out.
Today I didn’t worry so much about anything else but work. My mind was a bit blank. Last night I couldn’t sleep, and I woke up really early (before six) with horrible belly cramps. A visit to the toilet didn’t help. I got up around 7 and was wide awake, because I had been staring at the ceiling for at least 1.5 hours. Sigh. Needless to say I don’t feel great now.
I miss my guy. It sounds perfect and silly at the same time when I call him mine. He’s not mine, not totally. But it feels that way… the more distance we agree to take, the more I crave to be with him. He’s so… totally… my kind of guy. I love him inside and out. His sometimes ‘tough’ outside, with sunglasses, a nice car and a self-confident smile. His sweet, loveable, sometimes insecure inside. And his understanding. I think I have met only a handful of people in my life that understand me so well. That seem to know how I ‘work’.
MM, when you’re reading this, and I know you will… I love you the person you are when you’re with me, and I love myself when I’m with you. I feel beautiful, interesting, worthwhile, when I’m around you. And we are totally cute together
See how mushy I am?! I have been like this since I came back from vacation. I was really disappointed when I realised there was no possibility to see MM, but I also quickly got over it. I only don’t know how to work on that distance thingie… I keep e-mailing and sms-ing like before. Not really sure what I should or shouldn’t do – when am I too much? When should I back off? And when is my presence wanted? When can I whine, lol!!! I guess he feels the same… our situation is strange. Overwhelming, confusing. And I don’t see the end of it yet. All I can do is wait.
Well, I’ve almost reached my station so I better close. Two blogs in one week!! OMG!!!
I work with people’s resumes every day. Some of them look fine, neat, correct. But most of the time people screw up their resumes so much, I start to wonder how they ever got a job in the first place. How about:
- under languages, write that your English is fluent, while your English resume has lots of mistakes
- under system knowledge, write that you’re an expert with Windows and Office, except you do not know how to spell Excell, Exel, Ecel (Excel) or Powerpoint, Power Point (PowerPoint)
Oh and…. please, never, ever, write your resume in COMIC SANS!!!!!!!!!! >>>>HORROR<<<<<
Saw the doctor today. That is, the doctor that is provided by the company where I work. Not sure what to call it in English… there’s an organisation which helps the company dealing with people who are ill… the main thing we talked about, what I didn’t blog about yet, is the mouse-arm I now have. Sigh. There’s another word for it, which I also don’t know in English (and I’m too lazy to look it up). It causes pain in my right hand, strange tingles in my arm and it’s going through to my shoulder and between my shoulder blades. I got some advice about exercising and she will advice my boss to have an expert come over and look at my desk and see if everything is in order there. If I’m sitting in the right position, maybe need a new keyboard and so on. From there, we got to the other issues I have. Most of the time, a mouse-arm is more psychological than physical. And I admitted I got some issues in that department. I quit my therapy some time ago and I have been thinking about continuing it, but I didn’t really make the time or put any effort in actually doing it. The doctor said they have a team of psychologists that work as mental coaches. So practical help. Not just, me talking and them listening. That’s not my idea of help. I need practical tips as to how I can change my way of thinking, the way I think about myself and with that, the way I approach the world so to say. So she would put some action on that too, and get me invited for an interview – that is, if my boss approves. I already talked with my Lady Boss and she was positive, she said she would discuss the whole thing with HR as soon as the letter of advice comes in.
Now I got home about 1.5 hrs ago. I replied some e-mails, hung around on Facebook and did some eBay ‘after sales’. I’m slow, down and sad. I feel like there have been so many thoughts in my head, that it’s now one thick mass that I can’t make any sense of. There are so many things to take care of, the list never seems to end. I want to do it all, but it’s impossible. I can’t do everything right and it depresses me, makes me sad and feel worthless.
Last night, MM and I had problems and I can feel it’s still not ok. I thought it was ok last night when we talked on the phone. Before we hung up I said, so we’re ok, right? As if I expected it… I don’t know. I slept poorly, had nightmares and woke up at 5:55! Grrrrr…. not amused. I don’t want to go into the thing between MM and me last night, I don’t want to go through the details again. It seems that we have more and more problems and no fun anymore. And I don’t really know a way out of the problems. We’re both in difficult situations, everything seems shit and we’re overreacting to everything.
In fact, I don’t want to write anymore at all. I’m sick and tired of my life and all the shit in it.
