looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
All I wanna say is, goobye for now. My laptop is being repaired and I don’t have another. MM came to pick up his laptop last Friday because we’re breaking up… I’m impossibly sad… can’t even talk about it. I’m at my dad’s now, just leaving a short note. I so so so so so love this guy… but the situation drives us apart. I’ll explain the whole thing when I got my own comp, I have to socialize with mjy family now *sigh*
x
I’m not a fan of posting other people’s texts, lyrics or poems. But at the moment, there’s not much else I can say… Maria Mena wrote it so well. So I’m borrowing her words for now.
I’ve run out of complicated theories
So now I’m taking back my words
and I’m preparing for the breakdown
Your t-shirt’s lost its smell of you
And the bathroom’s still a mess
Remind me why we decided this was for the bestBecause I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
Love..I know the distance is a factor
But I stretch as often as I can
My goal’s to reach your hands any day now
Please don’t blame me for trying
To fix this one last time
I have a hard time as it isBecause I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you loveDon’t act like you don’t know me
It’s still me I never changed
I’ll be here when you come backAnd I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
love…
On the train again! Staring out the window, I can see a half-cloudy but clear sky, the sun is there and the air is fresh and crisp. I like this weather, even though it’s hard to say goodbye to the summer.
Lots of things are going on at work. My colleague and friend Loud is leaving at the end of November, she’s moving to Costa Rica – of all places!! She’s been planning it for years so it wasn’t a surprise. I will miss her, it will be quiet in the office. The management is planning her replacements but it’s a big mess, they can’t really decide what kind of person they are looking for and what tasks this person will get. Loud’s manager and the director have different idea’s about it. Our director, one of the worst I have met yet, wants the new Support to take some other tasks as well. Loud asked him, how one person should manager so many things in one job. He said that we should all be ‘flexible’… I heard the other director, the Sherrif, use that word about 15 times in a meeting we had some time ago. They shuffled our back office, basically gave everyone a new set of tasks and more than before. I said, after hearing the word ‘flexible’ so much, that I was expecting them to use that against us in the future. Everything can be put under ‘flexible’. You don’t want to do this because it’s not in your job description? Come on, be flexible. You don’t want to work late every day? That’s not very flexible! And so on. And it happened just as I had predicted.
I sent out another application today and brushed my resume again. Nothing really interesting is going on yet. Also, I’m still waiting for my manager to reply my request for more salary. She’s been sick and we talked only shortly, so no news yet. Even if she would raise my salary, I still don’t want to stay. I’m so fed up with this company and especially its management, I can’t stand it anymore. They annoy me to the max.
Another colleague and very good friend – who I haven’t given a nickname yet – has a conflict with the director about her contract and salary. He promised her things, but now isn’t living up to it. She told him she doesn’t agree with her new contract, so she will stay under the terms of the old one. He got angry and refused to discuss it with her anymore. He basically sent her out of the room. This man is a moron, I tell you. He’s a neurotic, dominant, arrogant and stupid prick. He thinks his company is great, everything’s going well and everybody loves him. Above all, he thinks he’s right. He’s not. There are at least 3 people looking for other jobs, including me. And I know two others who wouldn’t turn down a good offer. Oh, how triumphant it would be to leave him all alone in his office with his big mouth…
Enough about work. It totally annoys me. I want something new, something that’s within biking distance of my house and pays me enough money to pay my bills with. I have decided to ask 2500.- when applying online. It’s 350.- more than I get now and very reasonable for the things I’m applying to. Now I just have to find the right match…
Other than work, I have daydreamed about MM all day long. Staring at the screen or at my phone, waiting for his messages. I am so in love with him and it makes me so happy… hehe 
it’s a bit strange because we’ve had such a hard time and actually, the situation is still far from great. But I can’t help it, I just totally and utterly adore him.
Now it’s weekend. Tonight I wanna lay on the couch, watch TV and perhaps tidy up a bit. Tomorrow I might have a friend over for dinner, I’m not sure ‘cos she always decides at the last moment if she comes or not. I’m thinking of inviting Dennis for dinner on Sunday. He’s often lonely, and I’m too lazy to cook just for myself so we make a good pair. The rest of the weekend, I should tidy up my house and it would be good if I can put some stuff on eBay. I haven’t had any items running since my vacation, so my cash-flow on PayPal has come to a standstill – not good 
I will close the laptop now and stare at the sky for the last 15 mins of my trip. And daydream… 
On the train again, writing again
What an utterly boring day. And it lasted way too long, too. I was so bored at work… I am so fed up with my job, even with the parts I used to like. I have been surfing on the internet for other jobs and sent out about 4 or 5 applications, I’m not even sure. Just click, click, click… I’m curious what responses I will get. I updated my profile on several jobsites, I hadn’t done that in a long time. I got a response quickly from an employment agency that said my resume is fantastic (I know, it’s my job to make them look good, lol) and if I want to come over for an interview. Of course a very positive response, but there was no information about the jobs she had to offer. When I asked her for that, she said she couldn’t say and I should come over to talk about it. I told her that’s not possible. I won’t go to any agencies doing ‘open’ interviews, nothing has ever come from that in all the 15 years I’ve been working. So, too bad that didn’t work out.
Today I didn’t worry so much about anything else but work. My mind was a bit blank. Last night I couldn’t sleep, and I woke up really early (before six) with horrible belly cramps. A visit to the toilet didn’t help. I got up around 7 and was wide awake, because I had been staring at the ceiling for at least 1.5 hours. Sigh. Needless to say I don’t feel great now.
I miss my guy. It sounds perfect and silly at the same time when I call him mine. He’s not mine, not totally. But it feels that way… the more distance we agree to take, the more I crave to be with him. He’s so… totally… my kind of guy. I love him inside and out. His sometimes ‘tough’ outside, with sunglasses, a nice car and a self-confident smile. His sweet, loveable, sometimes insecure inside. And his understanding. I think I have met only a handful of people in my life that understand me so well. That seem to know how I ‘work’.
MM, when you’re reading this, and I know you will… I love you the person you are when you’re with me, and I love myself when I’m with you. I feel beautiful, interesting, worthwhile, when I’m around you. And we are totally cute together
See how mushy I am?! I have been like this since I came back from vacation. I was really disappointed when I realised there was no possibility to see MM, but I also quickly got over it. I only don’t know how to work on that distance thingie… I keep e-mailing and sms-ing like before. Not really sure what I should or shouldn’t do – when am I too much? When should I back off? And when is my presence wanted? When can I whine, lol!!! I guess he feels the same… our situation is strange. Overwhelming, confusing. And I don’t see the end of it yet. All I can do is wait.
Well, I’ve almost reached my station so I better close. Two blogs in one week!! OMG!!!
Eeeh ok. Some time has gone by and I barely know where to start. Will I ever learn to keep my blog up to date? Afraid not.
It’s Wednesday today, my second working day after the trip to Turkey with my mum. Coming home and getting back to work was shocking, I felt like I had been away for weeks and at the same time, never left at all. Nothing had changed since I left, and the vacation instantly seemed far away.
Before I left, I had problem with MM. I was already off on Friday the 25th, buying the last things and packing my bag. The flight was very early Sunday morning. Friday early evening, I suddenly realised that I had promised my colleague and friend HH to come to his BD party. I stressed out, sent sms to other colleagues, how late, where, who got the present, and so on. I told MM sorry, I have to go now, I got a party I totally forgot about. HH is a very good friend and I haven’t seen him for quite some time ‘cos he’s not working in our office anymore. Little later, on the train, I got an sms. It was MM, saying ‘I don’t want this anymore. I think we should quit for the time being’ or something along those lines. I stared at my phone in shock, but without any clue. What was this about?!
I realised quickly that it happened again, I had done it again. I had stomped on his soul again without even noticing it. It took us some hours to talk normally. He said I had first promised him to be online and talk with him on Friday evening, because after that I would be hard to reach for a whole week. On Friday morning, I woke up feeling awfully tired because the evening before we already had the same sort of issue and we talked into the night to get it out of the way. I kind of complained, that I was dead and needed an early night that evening. Not realising I had promised to chat with him as well. And then suddenly, half past five in the afternoon, I realised I had this party to go to… though I explained to him and he seemed understanding, it became clear that I had stomped him once again. It has happened before. I am such a chaos most of the time, I don’t remember what I have said, promised or contemplated a couple of days ago. He felt that I had stood him up. I understand that, because the internet is all we have… on the other hand, I had to sigh because… well, this is me, this is how I am. I don’t know how to change that. I am not an organised person and I have never been. I live from one thought to another, my moods, opinions and plans can change any time. And that has never been a problem, because I was always alone. There was nobody expecting anything from me, or waiting for me. Only a handful of friends who usually had no problem with change of plans in the last moments.
Now I got MM… he’s counting on me. He’s expecting me. He’s waiting for me… I suddenly have to be responsible for my actions, for someone else’s sake! I haven’t had that in… soooo long. Now that I am writing this down (on the train ), I am smiling. I love it that he’s… there. That someone is waiting for me, expecting me, counting on me
Ok… so then… I went on vacation. Omg. I have to write about that another time. It will be a book, titled: My Mother’s Issues, Chapter 1-100………..
Yesterday I asked MM when we can meet. I had already asked him to come Sunday or Monday – I came home Sunday afternoon and didn’t have to work until Tuesday, but there was no possibility for us to meet that weekend. He replied that next weekend is also not good, because he’s starting therapy with his wife on Wednesday. I understand that he has to be focussed on them and their problems when he goes there. He can’t walk around on a cloud because we had a lovely time together. I even think it would be hard to have a ‘lovely’ time now, with so many things going on… it changed my mood instantly from a pink cloud to sadness. We have to create distance somehow. He has to focus on his marriage problems, and I also got enough shit of my own that needs attention…
Now it’s already late in the evening and I’m going to finish here. So many questions, no answers. Though after this vacation with mum I know one thing: she has a lot more issues than me, and she ignores all of them… I think and hope, that I will solve my problems one by one, a little step at the time. And then her issues will no longer be a problem for me…
