Lots of things

Lots of things go through my mind when I open a blank page in OpenOffice… I made it a habit to write my blogs on the computer and not online, after I lost some long blogs due to Internet-hiccups. And this digital white sheet seems to hypnotize me. I can stare at it for minutes on end, not typing anything. Or type something and delete it again…

I haven’t written anything in almost a month! The first thing that comes to my mind is, that I had my period coming when I last wrote. And it’s coming again, now, lol. I felt shit when I last wrote something, and I feel shit now. Hmm might there be a pattern here?!

Ok, where to start… I’ve had my last therapy session. It felt good to end it, we had a nice ‘closing’ talk. She gave me some tips what I can do to continue on my own. Of course, I haven’t done it…

I didn’t write a Thriller story for the contest. I simply wasn’t motivated to do anything, so not that either. Lately everything has been only about work, lots of things have been going on in that department. The management finally gave us some information. It happened all in a very silly, unprofessional way, it was a lot of hassle to figure out what my position was and what their plans were. One person says this, the other says that. Lots of blah blah and nobody knows exactly what’s going on. There was a meeting for the whole company somewhere in the south of Holland, on the coastline. I had the flew the 5 days before it, and went back to work on the Thursday of the meeting. Snyggig was nagging me already for two days if I was already feeling better or not. In the end I felt like it was perhaps a day too early that I went back, I could have done with one more day of rest. And Snyggig wasn’t even in the office!! I didn’t go to the meeting. I was too tired and it was too far away. External company meetings like that, they always plan it in some impossible place. They don’t realize that they have employees who don’t own a car (or a drivers’ license, lol) and live on the other side of the country. I got lots of colleagues nagging me about not showing up. I explained many times about not feeling well and the location being just stupid.

I was a bit surprised when my new colleague, hmm what will I call her… the Lady Boss. She invited me for a meeting with her team, before I knew that I was supposed to be part of that. Snyggig had explained some things from the meeting to me, but my position was still unclear to me. It turned out later that I was going to work for the other sales team and the Lady Boss will be my new boss. Well after the Sheriff and Snyggig, it will be interesting to get yet another team and another boss. I found the whole thing still unclear though. More clarity came when I had a meeting with our whole back office team. Fugly was whining about having too many tasks and the Sheriff gave me some of hers. So now I got two teams, existing of six people. The Lady Boss is going to be my manager and the rest of them will have to fight for my attention, lol.

The rest of the week I’ve been trying to get into the new tasks. Quite a lot has changed, I’d say about 80% of my daily work is different now. I knew the big outline of it, but once you have to get into it, it’s a lot to get used to.

Ok, enough about work already. Oh one more thing. I got a message on Facebook from one of my colleagues that he’s been reading my blog. I was very surprised, maybe even shocked because I don’t know him that well. I’m always surprised when I find out people are reading my blog. But well, dear readers, I’m just writing down what goes on in my mind, and I don’t really think about who’s reading it or not… it’s a little peek into my life, and most of all into my brain. Lots of things going on there…

What else has been going on… the Mystery Man has been going on We’ve been seeing each other quite a lot and I’m having a great time with him. The love just flows around me when we are together… oh can I be any more mushy?! I just totally love him. And it doesn’t look like that will change in the near future, either…. and I kinda think he loves me too Last week we went shopping in Amsterdam. He bought me some really nice shoes and underwear and we sat on a terrace in the sun… loveliness!!

It’s just love to have him around. I can’t explain it any other way. I love having him around digitally, in sms and MSN and e-mail, but of course nothing beats the real thing

There were some issues going on with MM and me also. It’s kinda hard to explain. Somehow, he says, I seem to ‘push him away’ a couple days before we’re supposed to meet each other. I get a little distant and I don’t respond to his romantic mood. I felt very bad about this. I had myself that I tried to take some distance now and then but I didn’t really know how to do that properly, without making him feel rejected or something. Normally when I come home from work, I rush to the laptop to see if he’s online or sent me e-mail. I rush to reply, to be there, to make sure he knows I’m there for him. But sometimes this gets in the way of other things, normal daily things that I just don’t do – get groceries, make dinner, tidy up the house. Apart from that, I don’t have a moment for myself either. I put all those things aside just to be, just to feel connected to MM. At some point this worked against me. I crave some alone time now and then, even from him. I need time to sit around and do nothing, just ‘be’ with myself. Do the laundry, play with the cats. Make dinner and tidy up, those things can be so calming sometimes.

We talked about it a couple times. Another thing that happened was, that we were chatting on gmail while I was at work, and there was too much time between my replies. I was working and walking around and on the phone and people came to my desk, while MM was waiting for me to reply. It made him sad, it made him feel stupid, to sit around and wait for me and I wasn’t replying I felt even worse then, it made me so sad that I had made him feel bad. Sigh. Now I said, let’s not chat at work any more, I am simply too busy most of the time anyways. We’ll just use gmail and that’s it. That’s a lot easier, you can check and reply when you want to (like when I’m waiting once again for Outlook to wake up). I’m also trying to better divide my time between him and things I have to do. When I come home from work, I have to make some dinner and tidy up my place, before I can put my lazy ass on the couch and start MSN. So I will sms something like, I will be online from 21.00. So before that, I do other things (like playing those games on Facebook that I’m totally addicted to).

Oooh something else that’s very important! I’ve been working on my bad sleeping habits. Recently I was so bad with it, I went to bed between 00.00-01.00 all week and it totally fucked me up. It became a habit because I am always talking with MM around those hours. But something had to change. I am a zombie due to lack of sleep. There was also a talk that I had with the Sheriff, who said that I can be such a lovely, sweet inspiration and motivation to other when I’m in a good mood. But that I’ve been a grumpy old bitch lately. Well he didn’t use those words, but I know that’s what he meant I said it was difficult to act happy when you’re so annoyed about the situation – meaning the non-info about the changes in the company. But in the back of my mind I know it’s also because the lack of sleep. Because I simply DON’T GO TO BED!!!!

So… something had to change. This whole week I went to bed around 22.30 I’m proud of myself. Too bad it didn’t really help… it’s been so hot all week that I slept poorly. I wake up between 4.00-6.00 and can’t sleep any more By the time I’m falling asleep again, the alarm is about to ring. But this week was a good start. My period is coming now so I’m very tired anyways. I will continue the good work next week!

Because I’m typing in OpenOffice, I can see that I have now almost reached page three. Lol. I don’t write anything for weeks, and then suddenly I get the urge and I can’t stop typing…

Tonight I’m going to my mum for a BBQ. I hope the weather will stay good! It has been super hot all week but of course I was working (well, that’s not entirely true, I wasn’t working on Tuesday afternoon. I was off and strolled around town with MM…. eating ice cream… kissing, cuddling ). Yesterday there finally came some rain while I was at work, and the air felt much cooler afterwards. The sky has been bright blue all day today, the sun is shining and I hope that the evening will be nice and warm Tomorrow evening I’m going to Amsterdam with my friend Monique, to see Anouk live (a Dutch singer). It’s half-work, half-not, lol. The Big Boss said some time ago, that it’s time we do something fun with the colleagues again, instead of just working. So they got us 50% off the ticket price.

Both things I just mentioned are fun. I’m not a big Anouk fan but I’m a concert fan. BBQ at mums will guarantee good food and talk about our coming trip to Turkey. But I have been so tired the whole week, and so sad because of it. Exhausted, really. So I’m kinda sorry about all the things I have planned. I would prefer to sit around and do nothing… on the other hand, the weekend will be over before I know it, so I better try to enjoy it. MM is visiting family for the weekend, so I’m not really missing anything…

I guess I’m done writing now, lol…

Changed, again

I changed the layout of this page more often in the past few days that I’ve taken breaths, it seems. Somehow I can’t find one that fitst. The one I custom made for myself had an ugly background and I don’t like any of the standards from Blogspot… Hmm. The one I chose yesterday didn’t seem to work – text and letter didn’t appear.

So now I’m trying this one, let’s see if it works!

So HEY!

So hey, what’s going on? Chantie’s blogging again? FOR REAL?!

Whoa, now don’t get all excited. I’m just getting a taste of this blogger.com thingie. I can’t promise anything – please, no pressure. Pressure’s wrong. Freedom is good.

Speaking freedom! School’s nearly out I’m just one week of office-slavery away from 3 weeks of pure and endless (not really) freedom…. *big sigh*…. There are just one or two minor little goals that I have;

1. I want to see Per Gessle live in Sweden – AH! That’s easy! My fave Swedish nerd has decided it was time to stir up den Svenska sommaren yet again. So OFF we go! (this whole thing suprises me more than it would anyone else but I can’t talk about that now)

2. Rest… rest rest rest. Return to work fresh and fit on august 13th this is not soooo lätt to accomplish though. I have to keep an eye on myself. Not party toooo hard – or not get up too early the following morning.

3. Read a couple of books – this comes hand in hand with #2.

4. Uhm… get back into shape… also a lengthy subject which I won’t go into now. But trust me, it’s needed.

The fourth goal might be a little tricky. I’ve been pretty active in the gym for a couple of years now, especially since I started teaching. You can’t skip your own class… but I can’t get by on just my own classes, either. Lately I’ve been injured, too tired, too bored (with my gym), too busy or simply couldn’t be bothered to go to any classes myself. Frankly, my colleague’s classes are starting to bore me and so is the whole soap-opera-atmosphere at the gym. I’m kinda ‘too much in’ now, it’s becoming a drag. I new some fresh air! Hopefully I’ll get my priorities straight this summer and switch gyms, and then… back into shape.