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Mr. D. is exit. It happened really suddenly and it was impossibly difficult, but it seems to be final this time.
Last Thursday. Just after ‘exiting’ the pretty boy, I was highly annoyed with Mr. D. again. I can’t say it was something specific. I was just having an horrific day at the office and turned to my colleague Charlie to complain to her. She gave me the kind of pep-talk I needed. She told me to get rid of him. Well, more people have done it. I think she just used the right words and her timing was right, I was open to it. At the end of the day, I invited E. for a drink and talked about it with her as well. I know she’s against Mr. D., she has already tried to convince me to quite more than once. It all makes me sound very dependent of other people and I guess in a way I am. When I’m in some kind of shit, especially when I got enough (or perhaps too much) time to think about it, to contemplate, make a decision but then go back and ask myself the same questions… I need opinions. I need people to tell me what they think. A bad talent that I have is that I can make them say what I want, but once in a while I muster the ability to shut up and let the other person do the talking.
So Charlie and E. spoke and they did it very well. On the train home, I sms-ed Mr. D. that he shouldn’t call me anymore (he’d promised to call me later), nor sms me or anything else. I said, just let me be. He called me three times and I canceled the calls. Then he replied that it was a shame because he was planning to come over that weekend before leaving the country to work on Wednesday. I wrote him back ‘too late. Stop it.’ More sms-es followed later that evening, back and forth. He went from defense, to sweet, to angry and at last to panic. ‘I can come over right now to give you a kiss if you want’, was his last shot at sweetness. I said no. The next sms and the one after that were angry, he said I was dumb and stupid for doing this and he was hoping to see me soon again. I don’t remember if I replied, I just deleted all the messages when he was finally silent.
Saturday, he sent an sms and wrote something in msn. I ignored both. Today he wrote me another sms, that he heard Maria Mena on the radio and it made him think of me. I deleted it right away. I am still in doubt if it is better to ignore him, or just write back something angry and offensive and ’shut the hell up!!!!’ in capital letters with a lot of exclamation marks… of course I ran this through my ‘board of advisors’ and most of them say I should ignore him. I also think that’s the best approach but it’s so damn difficult. I wanna tell him how impossible he is and how much it hurts and that I still love him and I want to see, kiss, smell and hold him… see, I can’t get into that. It won’t work out well. I can’t see him anymore or even talk on the phone, because he will win me over. And I am better off without him, sad as it is.
People tend to say that I have to do what’s best for me. It’s an impossible comment which I will think long about before saying to anyone else in the future (I have told other people to do what’s best for them, to put themselves forward, be selfish and choose your own path). What that best thing is, is not so easy to decide. There’s the wise decision on one side, which tells me to get as far away from this man as possible, and there’s my heart on the other end which aches to be loved by him. It’s difficult and clear at the same time – love shouldn’t hurt that much. If it’s so difficult, it’s not real. I’m afraid I am more challenged by his impossibility, obsessed with not getting what I want, desperately want what I can’t have, whatever it is, than actually really in love. Whatever that is…
Alright. So nothing from Mr. D. since this afternoon. Nothing from the pretty boy since last week. It seems I’m going the right way, leaving those two behind. Nothing from J. for quite some time, although he called me recently to ‘talk’. I don’t even want to comment on it. Another J. has come along now. I have to come up with a nickname for him because two J.’s will be confusing, lol. They actually have the same name. The new J. and I have been in contact for quite some time and last Sunday we had a ‘date’, as in, dinner + drinks + drinks + drinks +… yes I was very drunk. And then I kissed him. He said, are you sure? I said, are you every sure of anything? So we kissed. And I’m sad to say, it was the wet-towel-experience that I remembered when I woke up with a heavy head on Monday morning (how typical)…. (some extra information: the wet-towel-experience is the way a kiss feels when you’re kissing someone you’re not romantically/sexually interested in. You might as well chew on a wet towel…)
It makes me sad because the new J. is a really good guy and he seems to be really into me. So I’m going to have to disappoint him – not looking forward to it.
Work sucks. There’s no time left to talk about that now and honestly I don’t even care. There’s always something going on over there and it’s rarely anything good. All I can say is, I’m not getting any happier there at the moment. There are too many tiny issues which are being blown up to huge proportions, while at the same time I’m being screwed over behind my back by my own manager. Funny world we’re living in.
Goodnight.
Long and teary talk with Mr. D. last night. He’s in Italy working. He explained to me once again how and why he’s not missing me, not contacting me, not needing me and not loving me. I miss him terribly. I want to sms him all the time. He said he’s gonna be silent until I contact him. It feels weak to sms him already now. I have to let him go, I’ve already lost him it seems. I kow it’s not my fault. He told me that numerous times. I know I’m a sad case for still wanting him and chasing after him.
I miss him.
It all seems ok on the outside. I had a good day today, starting with teaching aerobics this morning, on to laundry, chatting with Mrs. Norway, showering and dressing. The day went by in a slow pace but still too fast, like every weekend. And tomorrow it’s back to work.
Nobody would guess that Mr. D. broke up with me three days ago. Not the people I didn’t tell anyway. I didn’t bother to tell my parents – my mum and step dad already decided they don’t like him. They didn’t say anything negative but I can just sense it. My dad, I haven’t spoken to him since last week. And last week, everything could still turn out ok. But now, it’s over. Dead. Not buried though…
He picked me up from work Thursday. We planned to go out for dinner and then he would drop me off at the train station, because he would be heading for Italy the next day. No kiss when I got into the car. The air around me was cold, even though he smiled and called me baby. He even touched my leg – wow. We drove to a small town close to Amsterdam and got into a tiny, quiet restaurant. We talked about nothing in particular, until I returned from the toilet. I knew the ‘talking’ had to start eventually, I just didn’t know where to start. Luckily he did. He started out of the blue, explaining his behavior from the past weeks. It was pretty complicated, I had a hard time understanding. I had a hard time listening to him, partly because I was angry. I had a lot of questions, and I asked most of them. All in all it was a good talk, apart from some moments where I was ready to give up and walk away, and one or two moments where he slightly raised his voice. But things got a lot clearer for me.
It all comes down to the two fights we had, two tiny little fights. There was an evening where we were supposed to have dinner and I called him from the restaurant, to hear that he wasn’t even on his way yet. I didn’t want to wait for more than an hour, after a long day of work and dead-tiredness. So I got a little annoyed and told him dinner was off. I went home. He wined on sms a while and so did I, later in the evening we talked and everything was ok again. The next day, he came to my place late at night. The feeling of him climbing in bed to me was just so sweet, I remember it well. His tall, cool body next to me. Strong arms pulling me to his side, sweet voice whispering in my ear that I felt so warm and soft… in less than an hour, everything was ruined. Although I didn’t know that then. I wasn’t aware of the impact that my silly joke made on him. A stupid joke about a stupid ex – J., of all people.
Now he has told me that those two occasions made him completely miserable. I had stamped on his soul, hurt his core, made him retreat to his private little island where I can’t reach him, nobody can. The effect my words had on him, caused him to kind of hibernate. He shut down his feeling, blocked out the pain I had caused and turn cold, turned into a stone. I noticed it in the days to come, but it only became clear via sms two days later. We fought on the phone, and later face to face – my god I didn’t even know I was such a good fighter!
Thursday he said, that he lost the feeling he had for me. He had shut down his emotions and feelings, and it hadn’t come back. I was angry, didn’t understand. How can two little misunderstandings cause so much trouble? How can something like that, break up a relationship that’s barely even there? He had to explain it again, and again. ‘I lost something. I hoped I would find it back in France, where I’m usually able to rest and calm down. But everything has been so hectic, I’m in survive mode right now and the feeling hasn’t come back. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.’ he didn’t name the feeling, but I knew what he meant. ‘Ok, then there’s our conclusion. This is it.’ I stated a couple of times. Every time I did that, he seemed to want to crawl back, seemed to want to keep the door open – or at least, unlocked. ‘I still like you a lot, like to be around you, to do stuff together. But maybe not in the same way as before,’ he stated. I thought about it for a moment. ‘Ok. Well, now that we are just friends then, let’s get back to the every day stuff,’ and I started telling him about my day. It was immensely hard to swap the heavy discussion-atmosphere for light chatter but I seemed to manager fine.
It went wrong again, at my place. He drove me home. I ran upstairs and gave him a pile of t-shirts and underwear that he’d left at my place. He had already taken his toiletries and put them in a bag that was laying around. He sat down on my couch like it was just another normal day, and flipped through the brochure of the house I might buy. A moment later, he stepped into his car and returned my key. In the hallway, he put an arm around me. I pushed him away, all I could do was look at him as angry as I could. ‘Better not…’ I said and pushed his arm off me. He took a defensive pose. ‘Ok, ok, whatever you want. You know you can always call me if you want. You know where to reach me.’ I felt my throat swell. ‘Better not.’ I whispered and shook my head.
When he got into his car again, the rain pouring down, I stood in the doorway watching – I couldn’t stand it. This is not me, I thought. I’m not the kind of person to hide her feelings or to say goodbye in anger. And I don’t wanna be like this. So with two steps I was at the car, opened his door and kissed him. He kissed me back, it seemed almost as if the passion had never left him. We hugged, kissed again, hugged, I started to cry. The rain soaked my shirt and jeans, I got into the car. I couldn’t stop stroking his hair and face, kiss him, hug him over and over. He offered to come upstairs, ‘I won’t let you go,’ I cried and hid my face in his neck. He offered to take me to his place and let me sleep there, would that make me feel better? I shook my head again, ‘I won’t sleep, I’ll be dead tomorrow.’
And so he left. I cried for a while, fell asleep eventually.
Friday I sms-ed him that the talk had been good, even though it made me sad. It was good to clear the air. He called me a little later. We talked a few times that evening and stayed on sms also yesterday. Late in the evening he called me again, for the third time that day perhaps. I stared at my phone as it buzzed, but I didn’t pick up. I just couldn’t handle it, another talk about how his day was, talking about nothing, listening to his voice with no passion in it. No sweet words, no loving words, no ‘I miss you’ or sexy talk. Nothing. I switched off the phone, angry, mostly with myself. When I was in bed I sms-ed him that I wanted to end the contact for now, I can’t handle it. He replied understanding and sweet and closed with kisses. How can you fucking send me kisses now?! EH?!
There has been no contact since last night. My phone seems to have died and gone to heaven. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him, tell him how much I love him, need him, want him. I don’t care what happens in the future, I just want him around me.
And then to think that I was the reluctant one in the beginning, saying I didn’t fee anything, saying I couldn’t fall in love with him, telling him we didn’t match…. I still think we don’t match. But I don’t want to let him go, either. I’m just addicted to him.
Now I’m alone at home. Kurt Nilsen is singing sad songs. I have a headache. I miss him.
