Self analysis or making excuses?

I feel strange. It feels strange to be relieved, while I am in such shit. I wonder, shouldn’t I be crying? Shouldn’t I be… walking around the house without purpose, looking for nothing, doing nothing, not knowing what to do with myself? Shouldn’t I break into tears after listening to ‘I will always love you’ by Whitney Houston?! I’ve been doing those things for a couple of weeks already, and now it’s suddenly gone. Maybe I have no more tears left. I feel like… a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. Back to normal, though that sounds weird. I’ve hooked up my hard disk and am listening to music. Nothing strange, you would say, but I haven’t done that in quite some time. I haven’t had the need to loose myself in my music. I didn’t even remember what it was that I did, sitting with that laptop evening after evening, sometimes until 4 in the morning. Something had changed, and now when I’m thinking about it… purpose. There was always a purpose to be online, lately, or to not be online. MM… was the reason I would log in, or not log in if I knew he wouldn’t be there. He was the reason to keep my mailbox open, to check my phone every couple of minutes. I don’t do any of those things now. I have picked up old habits without really noticing it. I was up until 4-ish last night, listening to music and trying to write.

I don’t understand my own behaviour… well I haven’t done much today, hung around the house, was bored, too grumpy to do anything. That I can understand.

Again, I am typing and deleting. Everything I’m writing turns into explanations. I don’t know if MM is reading this. I had closed my blog for some time and I have no idea if he has seen that it’s open now. I can’t write down my thoughts while I keep wondering if he might read it… one of the mistakes I made with him, is that I often said what I thought he would want to hear. To make him feel good. If he would feel good, he would like me better… he would love me more… I want to write what I am thinking without considering who might read it!

I am dissecting my own mind, trying to find the reasons behind my feelings and actions. I understand a little bit more of myself since I got therapy early this year. Some things were shocking, some shameful and some just sad. But it explained some things, too. I am a sucker for attention and I used to pull tricks to get it. That’s behind me now, I found out there are other ways to get attention, and that I won’t die if I don’t get it. But saying things to make someone feel better, in order to keep them close… didn’t work out right.

MM called me the morning after the chat when I confessed the big lie. He’s doubting everything I have ever said, he asked me what value those words have now. What did it mean now when I called him sweetie? What did the poems mean that I wrote to him? It’s the worst thing that can happen… the person you love doubts your words… doubts your feelings, doubts everything. He doubts my whole person, what I am, who I am…. ‘That you are capable of something like that,’ he said about the lie. I am still a little confused about it… ‘that’- is it the lie or the act?

I always knew had a problem with the fact that I was hanging out with some different guys for a while. I wrote about them here too… the Counsellor, the Photographer and the Pretty Boy. It was the time after Mr. D. when I was suddenly relaxed about guys and dating. I had been very uptight about it in the years before, Mr. D. kind of freed me from that – though I want to grant that to myself, not to him. MM can’t deal with the fact that I… slept around. I understand he wouldn’t want a slut for a girlfriend. And I understand that he got a wrong image of me, because he got to know me during that time. He never knew me when I was still hidden under my comfortable stone.

When we were arguing, it seemed he didn’t know me at all. I thought I had told him all there is to know about me. I thought I had warned him for the stupid things I can do… I thought I had it all covered. But it didn’t help. Now I am looking at everything from a whole new perspective, and the things I am writing here now, I didn’t realise before. I’m afraid I gave him a wrong image of me. And when I dared to be myself, it was too late.

(Omg I am so stupid!! The same thing happened with Mr. D.! I also did what I thought he wanted… and when I felt safe with him and became more myself, it went totally wrong. Oh god I am such a stupid moron…)

I wrote a long e-mail to him after the fight. I wrote that I regret that I lied about meeting the Counsellor. I regret the lie, not the fact that it happened. I know it doesn’t sound very… how do you say… regretful. But that’s really how I feel. I shouldn’t have… hidden my doubts about MM, about us. I shouldn’t have said what I thought he wanted to hear, I should have spoken my mind. I haven’t always been honest – not that I lied constantly to him, but I didn’t tell him everything I did, thought and felt. I kept things from him, and I regret that now. I didn’t think it would matter. I didn’t think there would be anything in the future for me with a married father of 3. I meant what I said, I meant every loving word I said and my poems were real. My hopes and dreams were never fake, or lies. I just didn’t say anything about the sadness I felt behind it all. Some sort of constant threat, my expectation that everything would fall apart one day. I would end up alone because he was just going to stay with his wife. I had been saying that since the first couple of e-mails we exchanged through the daing site.

One time, I don’t remember exactly when, he said that I never said that I missed him. I was missing him constantly, sitting alone on the couch sighing. Watching tv without seeing anything, my phone in my hand and one eye on my computer. Seems so… disturbing to constantly whine about that… in the same lines, I didn’t tell him about my constant fear.

A little later, I am reading what I have written. Is this a good self-analysis? Or am I just making up excuses and explanations – once again – for the fact that I slept with one man while I was making another one believe that he was the only one?

I am so shocked that I never realised I was following the same pattern as I did with Mr. D.! Following his lead, was the mistake I made then. I let him make the rules, I just followed them. I didn’t really think that was wrong… but you can’t be one person first and then all of a sudden change into someone else. That didn’t exactly happen with MM, I was mostly myself to him from the beginning on. It’s not what I said, it’s what I didn’t say.

I have been raging for almost two pages now and it took me all evening and part of the night to write, read and re-write… I better go to bed soon.

Good things

Although it’s my habit to write only during the weekends and / or when I feel shit, lol, I’m now writing on Monday evening and the title says it all.

I went home on time today, that’s a good thing to start with. I had some left over pasta from yesterday so dinner was also covered. After dinner, I did the dishes – oh my God – and tidied up here and there. House keeping never stops but the house looks good right now, I would open the door to any visitor

The best thing today must have been the talk I had with my new boss. I referred to her as the Lady Boss yesterday and I have to stick to that nickname. She’s a Lady, but she’s definitely the Boss We had a meeting about my new position in the company and what my work will look like from now on. Or that was what we were supposed to talk about. Instead, most of the talk (which lasted more than two hours!) was about me personally. I had already told her a little bit about my problems when I didn’t want to attend the business meeting that was held last Wednesday evening. I said I need a lot of time for myself and I need a lot of rest, one late evening and my week is fucked up. I’m alright but lately the line has been pretty thin, between being already and dropping down with exhaustion… I told her about my issues, my personal life, the therapy and so on and tried to explain what it means to me in my daily life and work. She understood it perfectly. When I said I had to stop the therapy because I can’t afford it and the company paid only 10 sessions, she said she knew a way to make the company stand up for the costs. There are funds for it in other ways possible, I can’t really explain in English but it doesn’t matter how.

What matters mostly is that she listened, understood and knows what to do about it. She agreed with me on the ridiculous way some things are handled in this company and the absurd way the management communicates with each other. It’s all about sarcasm, bringing the others down, making jokes at each others’ expense. We agreed on that.

The rest of the day I didn’t get to do much work. I had two meetings that both lasted too long. I was running around all day, had an extremely late lunch, repaired the copier twice, listened to colleagues complaining about other colleagues and on top of that I was totally dead tired….

So, I better get some sleep now. It’s hard to say goodnight to my MM, who’s on MSN now…. as always I feel we have had a very good day too… very connected. In sync it seems, even though I was so rushed and busy. He’s coming over on Friday. I’m looking forward to spending the evening, night and morning together…. *sigh* I could write a couple more pages about that but… I can’t do that now… I will write some…. open love letter to him another time

Boxes, blue plastic bags and men….

I’m surrounded by boxes and big blue plastic bags. My life, boxed up. Just two night before the moving day! I’m ready to go, ready to leave I am totally excited about. I feel a bit shit lately, but at the same time I’m excited about the house… There are lots of things to take care of but it will work out I’m sure. I will just take it day by day, I got two whole weeks off work… I don’t think I’ve ever been off for so long since… mmm think think… 2006!

Right after I’ve moved into my new place, I will start another interesting project – I will see a counselor…. we got our first meeting Wednesday morning. I’m excited about this too, maybe a bit strange but I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s scary, but it’s also something I have been thinking about for a long time. And now it’s finally time.

I had a talk with Sue about my problems a while ago. The sleeping-issue is getting out of hand, my eating habits are dramatic, I haven’t seen the gym in ages and I’m working too much. I’m not taking care of myself and I can’t seem to break the negative circle I’m in, either. Sue suggested counseling and found the website of W.F. in Amsterdam. I sent an e-mail to this woman and told her shortly that I have some practical problems in my life that I want to solve, and that I think they are a result of my childhood and upbringing (which is usually the case). She said, it’s good to know the cause of your problems but it doesn’t help you to solve the actual problems. Sometimes you need a little guidance in doing that and she can offer me that… so Wednesday is D-Day.

I know my mother is an issue, both my parents are. I decided a long time ago that I can’t hold it against them that they made some mistakes. I don’t think you can avoid making mistakes as a parent! There is no guidebook, you just have to take it as it comes. I haven’t had any real problems with my mom in a long time now and that’s good. It’s gotten a lot better since I moved out 8-9 years ago. But there are still… scars maybe, trauma’s. Oh it sounds really dramatic now… I am not an abused child. It could be a lot worse. It’s just that my mom isn’t exactly the most positive, jolly person on the planet and it has affected me. I have problems accepting compliments, possibly because I was always told I’m not special, I’m just another person, and I shouldn’t act any different than other people. Being normal is the goal. Then I also got an attention issue, it has gotten a lot smaller over the past years but I know it’s still there. Not being important enough for people, causing drama to get attention. Negative attention is still attention, right? I want to be stronger and more sure of myself. Not always run to get other people’s opinion before I can decide if what I’m doing is right. If you talk to enough people, there’s always going to be someone who agrees with you. So why not rely on my own judgment then? Why not just do things my way and see what happens? I’ve become better in doing that over the years… but still…

So, a lot is happening. Mr. D. is kind of around. He called me Friday but I had the new J. coming over so I had to end quickly. I didn’t mind to hang up at all. It’s so double how I feel about him. I love to hear his voice (I’ve always loved his voice, that’s how he got to me. I fell in love with him over the phone ), I’m glad to hear he’s doing ok (in his own way, that is) and that he’s had a good time during New Year’s. He’s taken a couple days off before heading off to France again. It’s all great. And at the same time, my heart shrinks when he talks about all the people he’s been seeing, friends and family. Dinner in Amsterdam with this friend, helping out that friend who was in need and suddenly needed a shoulder, visiting parents at the vacation address, driving around from one meeting to another and all in all having a good time…. The little voice in my head screams out – where am I in this story?! Why don’t I get a tiny little piece of your precious time? Why didn’t you call me sooner? Why no sms with New Year’s? Why? WHY?!

Why is he having dinner dates and forest-walks and terrace-beers with all these other people and not with me? Rejection… man. I can write a book about rejection. I can also put it on the list of mother-issues, but with her it’s different. It’s just always been like that, I guess I’m so used to it that I don’t expect anything else. But Mr. D…. it just hurts because it wasn’t always like this. There was a short time when I was the most important one… when I got an sms, a call or a kiss every day. Times when he was in Italy and missing me like crazy, telling me the most beautiful things to assure me that he was waiting to see me again. Moments where we had such a peace around us, where I was completely safe in his arms and woke up with a smile, knowing he would be there. It was there, it was short but so so sweet…

Now it’s all over. He doesn’t care anymore, or doesn’t want to care. He’s pushed me away, out of his heart, out of his mind. He had buried me, us, already before we died. And even though I know it’s better this way, it hurts. It hurts to get rejected. It hurts to know I have failed, while I was sure I would make it. I was really positive that we would be a great match in the end, that he would open up to me, that his great personality would shine through like on those precious moments…

Ok. I have to stop talking about Mr. D. because he’s already taken enough space in this blog. Enough words wasted on the man that rejected me.

There are some other men going on… the Photographer is there, we talk on msn. I think we will meet again soon, in the new house… I have to get some shit together and rest a little bit and then I’ll invite him over

The new J. is still there as well. We went out last Friday, I was stupidly drunk in a very short time so I didn’t go home too late. He’s gonna help me move on Tuesday also, I’m so glad because I can use all the help I can get.

The ‘old’ J. is out of the picture for a while. He’s traveling in Asia with his family. So that department is nice and quiet… I’m not sure why I have a problem talking to him but I do. Now he won’t be around for a couple months.

The asshole Fireman is stalking me sometimes on sms. I told him to piss off and he’s still not giving up. He’s been silent since Friday now and I’m hoping it’s staying that way. If not, maybe I have to try to call him instead of just sending pissed off sms-es… :S but I don’t really want to talk to him…

There are two other guys I’m talking to on the website where I met Mr. D…. oh yes, I’m keeping myself busy no worries, I will never ever get bored as long as my Internet connection is working The Mystery Man is the most interesting of the two. We’ve had contact some times before, I’m not sure how long ago… then there was a silent period, and now he’s back full force. We’ve been talking a lot and there always seem to be things to talk about. It’s not a good sign actually because he’s not single. After J. I told myself that I need one for myself now, one that’s just for me… ahem. And then came the Counselor, Photographer and now the Mystery Man…. though I don’t think I will meet (and seep with) the last one…. he’s not like the others.

Speaking of sleeping… goodnight

Square one?

What kind of world do you want?
Think Anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now…

Mr. D. is back. Surprising, not? /sarcasm… I know. I want to say, he caught me at a weak moment. But that would be unfair. Because I was weak all the time. There was nothing left of me, Saturday 8 days ago when I came home drunk and unhappy. The sms came unexpected and hit me hard.

I miss you and I’ve been an asshole for letting you go

Yeah well. That’s nothing new baby. I already knew this. I had been waiting for these words a long time. I could not restrain myself and replied when I got home. We got into a big discussion over sms for over two hours. All my feelings just poured out into that stupid phone, my sad life-line. I said everything, didn’t censor myself (this time).

Now it’s over a week later and I’m back where I started. He’s still unclear about his feelings. They shone through on that Saturday night, if just slightly, there was something there. But the next day, he had already buried them again. Went back behind his shield, the force-field around him that nobody can get through. This week we’ve been talking and sms-ing and nothing is coming from it. He’s driving through Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Luxembourg, France and Italy. I’m on the train, at the office, at home, at the computer, watching TV, in the bar, drinking, drunk, having fun. Or not. It doesn’t matter. He’s there 24/7, like he’s been a long time now. Even when I meet another, very interesting and attractive man, I talk about Mr. D. Even when this man, a Counselor, makes clear he’s interested in me, I talk about Mr. D. When the Counselor kisses me, I think about Mr. D. When the Counselor makes love to me that same night, I compare him to Mr. D.

So yeah I’ve added another name to my list. He’s a Counselor of some sort, no need to give more information. I met him in a bar Friday (through my mother) and woke up in his hotel across the street the next morning. Very interesting, nice guy. I don’t think I’ll see him again, but that’s ok. He’s going to move abroad soon with his wife… I don’t think I could stand to have him around me for more than a couple hours. Mr. D. will come around the corner at one point anyway.

I haven’t told Mr. D., of course. I contemplated if I should. He knows I am an honest person, sometimes brutally honest in everything I feel, think or do. But maybe it’s better for him not to know. I don’t think it will improve the situation if he knows, lol. Even though he’s not my boyfriend. Actually kinda funny when you think about it – he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, but he doesn’t want me to see other men either. He hinted about that in one of the sms-es on that Saturday night. If I want him so badly, why did I make that tasteless joke about J., and why did I have to tell him about the pretty boy? Well honey. Life goes on even when you’re not there. Things happen. I happen. Telling you is just a statement, probably more to myself than to you. Look, I can fuck other people. I don’t need you. I can move on. I don’t die when you leave me.

Doesn’t he want me? Or does he? I don’t know. His behavior is completely inconclusive. He says I’m making up his mind for him, I’m jumping to conclusions without giving him a chance to explain his actions. I assume things. Like, when he breaks up with me I assume we’re over and I date another guy. Or like, when he ignores me for a couple days I assume that he doesn’t want to talk to me (was it something I said?). Or when he’s returning home after working for three weeks, he’s meeting a lot of people but not me, I assume that he doesn’t want to see me. Yeah I guess that makes me quite impossible…/sarcasm

So what now? Nothing much has happened this week. Just the fact that we are on speaking terms again made me ’shine’, according to a colleague. And I do feel better, the pressure is off. I haven’t lost him for good. Though I’m still not sure that’s a good thing, following your heart still feels way better than doing what other people say. Apart from that, I slept with a man I do not know. Who’s last name I didn’t know (according to my mum, you have to know someone’s last name before you have sex with them… sorry mum hehe) and I’m not sorry at all. It was one of those things that had to happen eventually. One of those things I have been avoiding for many years, and now finally didn’t run away from anymore. And hey, it was fun

Piss off part II (and III in the making?)

Mr. D. is exit. It happened really suddenly and it was impossibly difficult, but it seems to be final this time.

Last Thursday. Just after ‘exiting’ the pretty boy, I was highly annoyed with Mr. D. again. I can’t say it was something specific. I was just having an horrific day at the office and turned to my colleague Charlie to complain to her. She gave me the kind of pep-talk I needed. She told me to get rid of him. Well, more people have done it. I think she just used the right words and her timing was right, I was open to it. At the end of the day, I invited E. for a drink and talked about it with her as well. I know she’s against Mr. D., she has already tried to convince me to quite more than once. It all makes me sound very dependent of other people and I guess in a way I am. When I’m in some kind of shit, especially when I got enough (or perhaps too much) time to think about it, to contemplate, make a decision but then go back and ask myself the same questions… I need opinions. I need people to tell me what they think. A bad talent that I have is that I can make them say what I want, but once in a while I muster the ability to shut up and let the other person do the talking.

So Charlie and E. spoke and they did it very well. On the train home, I sms-ed Mr. D. that he shouldn’t call me anymore (he’d promised to call me later), nor sms me or anything else. I said, just let me be. He called me three times and I canceled the calls. Then he replied that it was a shame because he was planning to come over that weekend before leaving the country to work on Wednesday. I wrote him back ‘too late. Stop it.’ More sms-es followed later that evening, back and forth. He went from defense, to sweet, to angry and at last to panic. ‘I can come over right now to give you a kiss if you want’, was his last shot at sweetness. I said no. The next sms and the one after that were angry, he said I was dumb and stupid for doing this and he was hoping to see me soon again. I don’t remember if I replied, I just deleted all the messages when he was finally silent.

Saturday, he sent an sms and wrote something in msn. I ignored both. Today he wrote me another sms, that he heard Maria Mena on the radio and it made him think of me. I deleted it right away. I am still in doubt if it is better to ignore him, or just write back something angry and offensive and ’shut the hell up!!!!’ in capital letters with a lot of exclamation marks… of course I ran this through my ‘board of advisors’ and most of them say I should ignore him. I also think that’s the best approach but it’s so damn difficult. I wanna tell him how impossible he is and how much it hurts and that I still love him and I want to see, kiss, smell and hold him… see, I can’t get into that. It won’t work out well. I can’t see him anymore or even talk on the phone, because he will win me over. And I am better off without him, sad as it is.

People tend to say that I have to do what’s best for me. It’s an impossible comment which I will think long about before saying to anyone else in the future (I have told other people to do what’s best for them, to put themselves forward, be selfish and choose your own path). What that best thing is, is not so easy to decide. There’s the wise decision on one side, which tells me to get as far away from this man as possible, and there’s my heart on the other end which aches to be loved by him. It’s difficult and clear at the same time – love shouldn’t hurt that much. If it’s so difficult, it’s not real. I’m afraid I am more challenged by his impossibility, obsessed with not getting what I want, desperately want what I can’t have, whatever it is, than actually really in love. Whatever that is…

Alright. So nothing from Mr. D. since this afternoon. Nothing from the pretty boy since last week. It seems I’m going the right way, leaving those two behind. Nothing from J. for quite some time, although he called me recently to ‘talk’. I don’t even want to comment on it. Another J. has come along now. I have to come up with a nickname for him because two J.’s will be confusing, lol. They actually have the same name. The new J. and I have been in contact for quite some time and last Sunday we had a ‘date’, as in, dinner + drinks + drinks + drinks +… yes I was very drunk. And then I kissed him. He said, are you sure? I said, are you every sure of anything? So we kissed. And I’m sad to say, it was the wet-towel-experience that I remembered when I woke up with a heavy head on Monday morning (how typical)…. (some extra information: the wet-towel-experience is the way a kiss feels when you’re kissing someone you’re not romantically/sexually interested in. You might as well chew on a wet towel…)

It makes me sad because the new J. is a really good guy and he seems to be really into me. So I’m going to have to disappoint him – not looking forward to it.

Work sucks. There’s no time left to talk about that now and honestly I don’t even care. There’s always something going on over there and it’s rarely anything good. All I can say is, I’m not getting any happier there at the moment. There are too many tiny issues which are being blown up to huge proportions, while at the same time I’m being screwed over behind my back by my own manager. Funny world we’re living in.

Goodnight.