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Once in a while a moment comes in which you reflect on something that’s in the past. Tonight is one of those nights where I could loose myself in such reflection, thinking back about things that have been. Instead of doing that, I will force myself to go to bed on time after writing this post.
Reflection comes easily in this time of year. The old year is behind us and the fresh, new year right ahead. It’s usually also the time when people either start blogging, pick up blogging again, open a new blog or quit their blog completely.
Reflecting on 2007, there is one thing that came to my mind tonight. Last year I lost a friend. Maybe more than one, I can’t recall right now but there was one in particular that I somehow thought of tonight. Just clicking around the net (postponing bed time), I came across her blog. She writes often, lengthy posts about intelligent topics. I often don’t understand anything but that’s fine, I am not part of the targeted group anyway.
I lost her because of a silly misunderstanding. It wasn’t complicated at all, though it seemed to be at the time I was in the middle of it. We often talked about interesting stuff, we often posed opinions and asked each other’s opinions about things. General things, simple things, complicated things and heavy things. Anything really. Until I chose the wrong topic and things got out of hand. She missed my point by miles, which is perfectly fine. You can misunderstand each other and solve it, you can say the wrong things and apologize, you can even fight and make up again. But you can’t change the image inside someone’s head. Once someone has made up their mind, it’s hard to change it back. When the assumption is made, how can you ever change it? It’s impossible. I’ve seen it many times. Many friendships died over stupid misunderstandings and wrong assumptions.
There was also a good thing about our misunderstanding. She exposed herself in a way I hadn’t seen before, and the image she had of me turned out to be wrong. It probably had been wrong for a long time, I can’t even begin to understand how she coped with it. How can you keep your negative thoughts about a person locked inside while you’re talking so personally with them on a daily basis? Or maybe it wasn’t personal to her at all, I don’t know. When it dawned on me, it was ok. I did as she pleased – erased her from my life. Or at least I tried to. I deleted all the digital things that reminded me of her. Hid the physical, touchable things, put them away for who knows when. But she’s not completely done, prove is this post that’s already longer than I planned (and time is ticking away, my bed crying from loneliness).
Her assumptions were wrong. I didn’t bother to explain, it was no use. You can’t change the image in someone’s head when it’s been there so long (years maybe). You can’t turn back time and take away the triggers for her assumptions. All you can do is leave it behind and try to make peace with the situation, with yourself.
I am almost totally at peace with myself – a few practical mistakes on the side (won’t get into that now, lol. That’s a whole other topic). You win some, you loose some. I lost her and it was a bad day, a bad couple of days, but then it went away as easy as it came. I hardly think about her now and that’s weird, I used to be the person to dwell on my mistakes and think too long and too hard about things. But I let her go with an ease that surprised me. Weeks later I realized how gone she actually was. It’s still sad that it happened. I can’t dwell on it though. There are now other things to deal with and people to attend to. People come and go all the time and we can’t dwell on them. We have to keep in mind the one most important one – ourselves. While leaving her behind, I took a step closer to myself and acceptance of my flaws.
The sun ain’t shining
But I see some snow.
I’m still at work
But it’s only three hours to go
I got lots to do,
But i’m not bored
It’s a little bit strange,
I thank the lord.
Hey, that’s silly
I should rather thank you
For being so nice
And let the positive shine thru
My friend, The Norwegian Tulip, wrote this sweet poem for me. See what happens when you send positivity into the world? It comes back 
