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I forgot something. I forgot to say, to write down, that I totally love him. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen him and that’s way too long. But I have no trouble remembering what he smells like, how it feels to cuddle him and how softly he kisses me… or sometimes, not so softly 
I’m being teased by daydreams of a life together with my Mystery Man. The guy who didn’t want to date me. I try to… push the daydreams away. They make me feel guilty, other people are being hurt and I am daydreaming about… happy times.
Although it’s my habit to write only during the weekends and / or when I feel shit, lol, I’m now writing on Monday evening and the title says it all.
I went home on time today, that’s a good thing to start with. I had some left over pasta from yesterday so dinner was also covered. After dinner, I did the dishes – oh my God – and tidied up here and there. House keeping never stops but the house looks good right now, I would open the door to any visitor 
The best thing today must have been the talk I had with my new boss. I referred to her as the Lady Boss yesterday and I have to stick to that nickname. She’s a Lady, but she’s definitely the Boss We had a meeting about my new position in the company and what my work will look like from now on. Or that was what we were supposed to talk about. Instead, most of the talk (which lasted more than two hours!) was about me personally. I had already told her a little bit about my problems when I didn’t want to attend the business meeting that was held last Wednesday evening. I said I need a lot of time for myself and I need a lot of rest, one late evening and my week is fucked up. I’m alright but lately the line has been pretty thin, between being already and dropping down with exhaustion… I told her about my issues, my personal life, the therapy and so on and tried to explain what it means to me in my daily life and work. She understood it perfectly. When I said I had to stop the therapy because I can’t afford it and the company paid only 10 sessions, she said she knew a way to make the company stand up for the costs. There are funds for it in other ways possible, I can’t really explain in English but it doesn’t matter how.
What matters mostly is that she listened, understood and knows what to do about it. She agreed with me on the ridiculous way some things are handled in this company and the absurd way the management communicates with each other. It’s all about sarcasm, bringing the others down, making jokes at each others’ expense. We agreed on that.
The rest of the day I didn’t get to do much work. I had two meetings that both lasted too long. I was running around all day, had an extremely late lunch, repaired the copier twice, listened to colleagues complaining about other colleagues and on top of that I was totally dead tired….
So, I better get some sleep now. It’s hard to say goodnight to my MM, who’s on MSN now…. as always 
I feel we have had a very good day too… very connected. In sync it seems, even though I was so rushed and busy. He’s coming over on Friday. I’m looking forward to spending the evening, night and morning together…. *sigh* I could write a couple more pages about that but… I can’t do that now… I will write some…. open love letter to him another time
Lots of things go through my mind when I open a blank page in OpenOffice… I made it a habit to write my blogs on the computer and not online, after I lost some long blogs due to Internet-hiccups. And this digital white sheet seems to hypnotize me. I can stare at it for minutes on end, not typing anything. Or type something and delete it again…
I haven’t written anything in almost a month! The first thing that comes to my mind is, that I had my period coming when I last wrote. And it’s coming again, now, lol. I felt shit when I last wrote something, and I feel shit now. Hmm might there be a pattern here?!
Ok, where to start… I’ve had my last therapy session. It felt good to end it, we had a nice ‘closing’ talk. She gave me some tips what I can do to continue on my own. Of course, I haven’t done it…
I didn’t write a Thriller story for the contest. I simply wasn’t motivated to do anything, so not that either. Lately everything has been only about work, lots of things have been going on in that department. The management finally gave us some information. It happened all in a very silly, unprofessional way, it was a lot of hassle to figure out what my position was and what their plans were. One person says this, the other says that. Lots of blah blah and nobody knows exactly what’s going on. There was a meeting for the whole company somewhere in the south of Holland, on the coastline. I had the flew the 5 days before it, and went back to work on the Thursday of the meeting. Snyggig was nagging me already for two days if I was already feeling better or not. In the end I felt like it was perhaps a day too early that I went back, I could have done with one more day of rest. And Snyggig wasn’t even in the office!! I didn’t go to the meeting. I was too tired and it was too far away. External company meetings like that, they always plan it in some impossible place. They don’t realize that they have employees who don’t own a car (or a drivers’ license, lol) and live on the other side of the country. I got lots of colleagues nagging me about not showing up. I explained many times about not feeling well and the location being just stupid.
I was a bit surprised when my new colleague, hmm what will I call her… the Lady Boss. She invited me for a meeting with her team, before I knew that I was supposed to be part of that. Snyggig had explained some things from the meeting to me, but my position was still unclear to me. It turned out later that I was going to work for the other sales team and the Lady Boss will be my new boss. Well after the Sheriff and Snyggig, it will be interesting to get yet another team and another boss. I found the whole thing still unclear though. More clarity came when I had a meeting with our whole back office team. Fugly was whining about having too many tasks and the Sheriff gave me some of hers. So now I got two teams, existing of six people. The Lady Boss is going to be my manager and the rest of them will have to fight for my attention, lol.
The rest of the week I’ve been trying to get into the new tasks. Quite a lot has changed, I’d say about 80% of my daily work is different now. I knew the big outline of it, but once you have to get into it, it’s a lot to get used to.
Ok, enough about work already. Oh one more thing. I got a message on Facebook from one of my colleagues that he’s been reading my blog. I was very surprised, maybe even shocked because I don’t know him that well. I’m always surprised when I find out people are reading my blog. But well, dear readers, I’m just writing down what goes on in my mind, and I don’t really think about who’s reading it or not… it’s a little peek into my life, and most of all into my brain. Lots of things going on there…
What else has been going on… the Mystery Man has been going on We’ve been seeing each other quite a lot and I’m having a great time with him. The love just flows around me when we are together… oh can I be any more mushy?! I just totally love him. And it doesn’t look like that will change in the near future, either…. and I kinda think he loves me too Last week we went shopping in Amsterdam. He bought me some really nice shoes and underwear and we sat on a terrace in the sun… loveliness!!
It’s just love to have him around. I can’t explain it any other way. I love having him around digitally, in sms and MSN and e-mail, but of course nothing beats the real thing
There were some issues going on with MM and me also. It’s kinda hard to explain. Somehow, he says, I seem to ‘push him away’ a couple days before we’re supposed to meet each other. I get a little distant and I don’t respond to his romantic mood. I felt very bad about this. I had myself that I tried to take some distance now and then but I didn’t really know how to do that properly, without making him feel rejected or something. Normally when I come home from work, I rush to the laptop to see if he’s online or sent me e-mail. I rush to reply, to be there, to make sure he knows I’m there for him. But sometimes this gets in the way of other things, normal daily things that I just don’t do – get groceries, make dinner, tidy up the house. Apart from that, I don’t have a moment for myself either. I put all those things aside just to be, just to feel connected to MM. At some point this worked against me. I crave some alone time now and then, even from him. I need time to sit around and do nothing, just ‘be’ with myself. Do the laundry, play with the cats. Make dinner and tidy up, those things can be so calming sometimes.
We talked about it a couple times. Another thing that happened was, that we were chatting on gmail while I was at work, and there was too much time between my replies. I was working and walking around and on the phone and people came to my desk, while MM was waiting for me to reply. It made him sad, it made him feel stupid, to sit around and wait for me and I wasn’t replying 
I felt even worse then, it made me so sad that I had made him feel bad. Sigh. Now I said, let’s not chat at work any more, I am simply too busy most of the time anyways. We’ll just use gmail and that’s it. That’s a lot easier, you can check and reply when you want to (like when I’m waiting once again for Outlook to wake up). I’m also trying to better divide my time between him and things I have to do. When I come home from work, I have to make some dinner and tidy up my place, before I can put my lazy ass on the couch and start MSN. So I will sms something like, I will be online from 21.00. So before that, I do other things (like playing those games on Facebook that I’m totally addicted to).
Oooh something else that’s very important! I’ve been working on my bad sleeping habits. Recently I was so bad with it, I went to bed between 00.00-01.00 all week and it totally fucked me up. It became a habit because I am always talking with MM around those hours. But something had to change. I am a zombie due to lack of sleep. There was also a talk that I had with the Sheriff, who said that I can be such a lovely, sweet inspiration and motivation to other when I’m in a good mood. But that I’ve been a grumpy old bitch lately. Well he didn’t use those words, but I know that’s what he meant I said it was difficult to act happy when you’re so annoyed about the situation – meaning the non-info about the changes in the company. But in the back of my mind I know it’s also because the lack of sleep. Because I simply DON’T GO TO BED!!!!
So… something had to change. This whole week I went to bed around 22.30 
I’m proud of myself. Too bad it didn’t really help… it’s been so hot all week that I slept poorly. I wake up between 4.00-6.00 and can’t sleep any more By the time I’m falling asleep again, the alarm is about to ring. But this week was a good start. My period is coming now so I’m very tired anyways. I will continue the good work next week!
Because I’m typing in OpenOffice, I can see that I have now almost reached page three. Lol. I don’t write anything for weeks, and then suddenly I get the urge and I can’t stop typing…
Tonight I’m going to my mum for a BBQ. I hope the weather will stay good! It has been super hot all week but of course I was working (well, that’s not entirely true, I wasn’t working on Tuesday afternoon. I was off and strolled around town with MM…. eating ice cream… kissing, cuddling ). Yesterday there finally came some rain while I was at work, and the air felt much cooler afterwards. The sky has been bright blue all day today, the sun is shining and I hope that the evening will be nice and warm Tomorrow evening I’m going to Amsterdam with my friend Monique, to see Anouk live (a Dutch singer). It’s half-work, half-not, lol. The Big Boss said some time ago, that it’s time we do something fun with the colleagues again, instead of just working. So they got us 50% off the ticket price.
Both things I just mentioned are fun. I’m not a big Anouk fan but I’m a concert fan. BBQ at mums will guarantee good food and talk about our coming trip to Turkey. But I have been so tired the whole week, and so sad because of it. Exhausted, really. So I’m kinda sorry about all the things I have planned. I would prefer to sit around and do nothing… on the other hand, the weekend will be over before I know it, so I better try to enjoy it. MM is visiting family for the weekend, so I’m not really missing anything…
I guess I’m done writing now, lol…
The first time we met was on a train station. He completely surprised me with a goodbye kiss, a little bolder than I had in mind…
The second time, another train station and a long walk into town. More kissing, impossible to resist. Unsure hands on my body on a dark street corner…
The third time, the same train station. He drove us to a quiet park where we walked around, kissed, kissed more, stared into each others eyes and more of that mushiness. This was where I realized I was lost, lol… lost in love.
The fourth time, he picked me up from work and drove me home. We made love… I remembered the difference between ‘making love’ and ‘just sex’. It made me wonder about a lot of things, a lot of past things.
Last week we spent a night together (in a hotel) and he’s going to stay over at my place this week… I gave him a key to my house, because I will be home late. What am I doing?! I’m dating a married man, I’m having an affair. I actually feel ‘off the market’, so to say. Am I crazy? That’s nothing new. I’m just trying to follow my heart and it makes me proud that I’m doing so. I don’t want to hold back on anything. Don’t want to risk missing something beautiful just because… ‘we shouldn’t’.
The Mystery Man, my Mystery Man, turns out to be so much more than just another guy on a dating site. Yes, I’m crazy. No, I don’t expect this to last for ever and ever, I know he’s not going to leave his wife for me (and he shouldn’t). No, we’re not ‘fucking around’. We’re in love… it just happened to be like that.
I’m the analyzing type, if you know me a little bit you’ve just nodded you’re head I’ve analyzed the whole thing to very small pieces. Why, how, when, what?!
I try to shut up the everlasting analyses, the never resting voices in my head. Sometimes they just tire me. Shut up, I say. Something that feels this good, doesn’t need any more thought. Just live it, enjoy it, just BE.
He said he wouldn’t mind reading some nice words about him on my blog. Something like, that he’s a good guy. That he’s good to me, that the sex lovemaking was amazing and that I can’t wait to see him again. That I’m thinking about him all day. That he adds something to my life, a little sparkle to my days, even when the sun refuses to shine. That it’s not so ‘thin’ anymore?
It’s Sunday today, half past five, and when you ignore the big gray cloud on the right, all I see from my window is bright blue sky Last night we pushed the clock one hour ahead. It always feels like spring and summer are really, REALLY coming. They’re not going to be skipped this year, either. How lucky! After months and months of darkness, cold, rain etc. I sometimes wonder… do spring and summer actually exist or was I just imagining it last year?!
And now I’m just sitting around. Looking contently at my new blog-header-pic, that Miss Norway made. She’s the most creative person I have ever met, and all things she creates have a happy underline – well, most of them. There can be some dark, melancholic pictures sometimes and then it’s still beautiful.
Today I had a big round of cleaning the house! Yesterday was slow, tired and lazy. I spent a long time with just doing nothing, sitting on the couch reading magazines. I get this little voice in my head telling me to ‘do something useful’. I replied, ‘reading magazines on Saturday morning IS useful. I’m relaxing! This is quality time with myself!’… yeah I have a lot of conversation going on in my head all the time. Do this, do that, don’t do that, don’t forget about that thing… on and on it goes.
Lately, my mind is mostly on the Mystery Man. It’s not so hard to see why, because we talk all the time. And when we’re not talking, it’s just because we HAVE to do something else. Like, sleeping. Or working. Or he has to be with his family, or I have someone over like Dennis or Monique. Other than that, we talk a lot. It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been blogging a lot lately. Instead of blogging, I’m talking to MM. And he actually replies This blog rarely replies, and if it does, it’s mostly Miss Norway over MSN or mail. All you silent readers, you don’t reply. But that’s ok, I’m not so needy for confirmation I’m ok. I’m not you-know-who (can’t say, but it’s a she. And she needs a lot of confirmation).
I was scrolling through my blog a couple times these past days, checking if my tags were right and testing the new layout. Thinking of making an ‘about’ page, or perhaps just a text-block on the right like the Tulip (Miss Norway) has. Does a blog really need an ‘about’ thingie? I don’t know what to say about myself. ‘Almost-30 year old girl who doesn’t really know anything’… hahaha… maybe the Tulip can write an ‘about’ for me? Hers is pretty good Come on babe, write my ‘about’!!
The first thing I noticed about my blogs from the past year is that almost everything is about guys, lol. They have kept me busy. Also, it’s far more fun to write about those things than to mention what boring and stupid things happened at work. Or that someone was annoying me on the train. That’s just boring. Right now, most of those guys are gone, in one way or another. There’s just one now. He makes my blog title irrelevant: ‘Hjärta utan hem’ means ‘Heart without a home’… I don’t feel like that anymore. I just made up that title once when I was listening to Gyllene Tider’s song with that name. I still like the song, but I don’t feel like it’s addressing me anymore It’s gotten old. I have to come up with something new….
*thinking really hard*
