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Eeeh ok. Some time has gone by and I barely know where to start. Will I ever learn to keep my blog up to date? Afraid not.
It’s Wednesday today, my second working day after the trip to Turkey with my mum. Coming home and getting back to work was shocking, I felt like I had been away for weeks and at the same time, never left at all. Nothing had changed since I left, and the vacation instantly seemed far away.
Before I left, I had problem with MM. I was already off on Friday the 25th, buying the last things and packing my bag. The flight was very early Sunday morning. Friday early evening, I suddenly realised that I had promised my colleague and friend HH to come to his BD party. I stressed out, sent sms to other colleagues, how late, where, who got the present, and so on. I told MM sorry, I have to go now, I got a party I totally forgot about. HH is a very good friend and I haven’t seen him for quite some time ‘cos he’s not working in our office anymore. Little later, on the train, I got an sms. It was MM, saying ‘I don’t want this anymore. I think we should quit for the time being’ or something along those lines. I stared at my phone in shock, but without any clue. What was this about?!
I realised quickly that it happened again, I had done it again. I had stomped on his soul again without even noticing it. It took us some hours to talk normally. He said I had first promised him to be online and talk with him on Friday evening, because after that I would be hard to reach for a whole week. On Friday morning, I woke up feeling awfully tired because the evening before we already had the same sort of issue and we talked into the night to get it out of the way. I kind of complained, that I was dead and needed an early night that evening. Not realising I had promised to chat with him as well. And then suddenly, half past five in the afternoon, I realised I had this party to go to… though I explained to him and he seemed understanding, it became clear that I had stomped him once again. It has happened before. I am such a chaos most of the time, I don’t remember what I have said, promised or contemplated a couple of days ago. He felt that I had stood him up. I understand that, because the internet is all we have… on the other hand, I had to sigh because… well, this is me, this is how I am. I don’t know how to change that. I am not an organised person and I have never been. I live from one thought to another, my moods, opinions and plans can change any time. And that has never been a problem, because I was always alone. There was nobody expecting anything from me, or waiting for me. Only a handful of friends who usually had no problem with change of plans in the last moments.
Now I got MM… he’s counting on me. He’s expecting me. He’s waiting for me… I suddenly have to be responsible for my actions, for someone else’s sake! I haven’t had that in… soooo long. Now that I am writing this down (on the train 
), I am smiling. I love it that he’s… there. That someone is waiting for me, expecting me, counting on me 
Ok… so then… I went on vacation. Omg. I have to write about that another time. It will be a book, titled: My Mother’s Issues, Chapter 1-100………..
Yesterday I asked MM when we can meet. I had already asked him to come Sunday or Monday – I came home Sunday afternoon and didn’t have to work until Tuesday, but there was no possibility for us to meet that weekend. He replied that next weekend is also not good, because he’s starting therapy with his wife on Wednesday. I understand that he has to be focussed on them and their problems when he goes there. He can’t walk around on a cloud because we had a lovely time together. I even think it would be hard to have a ‘lovely’ time now, with so many things going on… it changed my mood instantly from a pink cloud to sadness. We have to create distance somehow. He has to focus on his marriage problems, and I also got enough shit of my own that needs attention…
Now it’s already late in the evening and I’m going to finish here. So many questions, no answers. Though after this vacation with mum I know one thing: she has a lot more issues than me, and she ignores all of them… I think and hope, that I will solve my problems one by one, a little step at the time. And then her issues will no longer be a problem for me…
Lots of things go through my mind when I open a blank page in OpenOffice… I made it a habit to write my blogs on the computer and not online, after I lost some long blogs due to Internet-hiccups. And this digital white sheet seems to hypnotize me. I can stare at it for minutes on end, not typing anything. Or type something and delete it again…
I haven’t written anything in almost a month! The first thing that comes to my mind is, that I had my period coming when I last wrote. And it’s coming again, now, lol. I felt shit when I last wrote something, and I feel shit now. Hmm might there be a pattern here?!
Ok, where to start… I’ve had my last therapy session. It felt good to end it, we had a nice ‘closing’ talk. She gave me some tips what I can do to continue on my own. Of course, I haven’t done it…
I didn’t write a Thriller story for the contest. I simply wasn’t motivated to do anything, so not that either. Lately everything has been only about work, lots of things have been going on in that department. The management finally gave us some information. It happened all in a very silly, unprofessional way, it was a lot of hassle to figure out what my position was and what their plans were. One person says this, the other says that. Lots of blah blah and nobody knows exactly what’s going on. There was a meeting for the whole company somewhere in the south of Holland, on the coastline. I had the flew the 5 days before it, and went back to work on the Thursday of the meeting. Snyggig was nagging me already for two days if I was already feeling better or not. In the end I felt like it was perhaps a day too early that I went back, I could have done with one more day of rest. And Snyggig wasn’t even in the office!! I didn’t go to the meeting. I was too tired and it was too far away. External company meetings like that, they always plan it in some impossible place. They don’t realize that they have employees who don’t own a car (or a drivers’ license, lol) and live on the other side of the country. I got lots of colleagues nagging me about not showing up. I explained many times about not feeling well and the location being just stupid.
I was a bit surprised when my new colleague, hmm what will I call her… the Lady Boss. She invited me for a meeting with her team, before I knew that I was supposed to be part of that. Snyggig had explained some things from the meeting to me, but my position was still unclear to me. It turned out later that I was going to work for the other sales team and the Lady Boss will be my new boss. Well after the Sheriff and Snyggig, it will be interesting to get yet another team and another boss. I found the whole thing still unclear though. More clarity came when I had a meeting with our whole back office team. Fugly was whining about having too many tasks and the Sheriff gave me some of hers. So now I got two teams, existing of six people. The Lady Boss is going to be my manager and the rest of them will have to fight for my attention, lol.
The rest of the week I’ve been trying to get into the new tasks. Quite a lot has changed, I’d say about 80% of my daily work is different now. I knew the big outline of it, but once you have to get into it, it’s a lot to get used to.
Ok, enough about work already. Oh one more thing. I got a message on Facebook from one of my colleagues that he’s been reading my blog. I was very surprised, maybe even shocked because I don’t know him that well. I’m always surprised when I find out people are reading my blog. But well, dear readers, I’m just writing down what goes on in my mind, and I don’t really think about who’s reading it or not… it’s a little peek into my life, and most of all into my brain. Lots of things going on there…
What else has been going on… the Mystery Man has been going on We’ve been seeing each other quite a lot and I’m having a great time with him. The love just flows around me when we are together… oh can I be any more mushy?! I just totally love him. And it doesn’t look like that will change in the near future, either…. and I kinda think he loves me too 
Last week we went shopping in Amsterdam. He bought me some really nice shoes and underwear and we sat on a terrace in the sun… loveliness!!
It’s just love to have him around. I can’t explain it any other way. I love having him around digitally, in sms and MSN and e-mail, but of course nothing beats the real thing
There were some issues going on with MM and me also. It’s kinda hard to explain. Somehow, he says, I seem to ‘push him away’ a couple days before we’re supposed to meet each other. I get a little distant and I don’t respond to his romantic mood. I felt very bad about this. I had myself that I tried to take some distance now and then but I didn’t really know how to do that properly, without making him feel rejected or something. Normally when I come home from work, I rush to the laptop to see if he’s online or sent me e-mail. I rush to reply, to be there, to make sure he knows I’m there for him. But sometimes this gets in the way of other things, normal daily things that I just don’t do – get groceries, make dinner, tidy up the house. Apart from that, I don’t have a moment for myself either. I put all those things aside just to be, just to feel connected to MM. At some point this worked against me. I crave some alone time now and then, even from him. I need time to sit around and do nothing, just ‘be’ with myself. Do the laundry, play with the cats. Make dinner and tidy up, those things can be so calming sometimes.
We talked about it a couple times. Another thing that happened was, that we were chatting on gmail while I was at work, and there was too much time between my replies. I was working and walking around and on the phone and people came to my desk, while MM was waiting for me to reply. It made him sad, it made him feel stupid, to sit around and wait for me and I wasn’t replying 
I felt even worse then, it made me so sad that I had made him feel bad. Sigh. Now I said, let’s not chat at work any more, I am simply too busy most of the time anyways. We’ll just use gmail and that’s it. That’s a lot easier, you can check and reply when you want to (like when I’m waiting once again for Outlook to wake up). I’m also trying to better divide my time between him and things I have to do. When I come home from work, I have to make some dinner and tidy up my place, before I can put my lazy ass on the couch and start MSN. So I will sms something like, I will be online from 21.00. So before that, I do other things (like playing those games on Facebook that I’m totally addicted to).
Oooh something else that’s very important! I’ve been working on my bad sleeping habits. Recently I was so bad with it, I went to bed between 00.00-01.00 all week and it totally fucked me up. It became a habit because I am always talking with MM around those hours. But something had to change. I am a zombie due to lack of sleep. There was also a talk that I had with the Sheriff, who said that I can be such a lovely, sweet inspiration and motivation to other when I’m in a good mood. But that I’ve been a grumpy old bitch lately. Well he didn’t use those words, but I know that’s what he meant I said it was difficult to act happy when you’re so annoyed about the situation – meaning the non-info about the changes in the company. But in the back of my mind I know it’s also because the lack of sleep. Because I simply DON’T GO TO BED!!!!
So… something had to change. This whole week I went to bed around 22.30 
I’m proud of myself. Too bad it didn’t really help… it’s been so hot all week that I slept poorly. I wake up between 4.00-6.00 and can’t sleep any more By the time I’m falling asleep again, the alarm is about to ring. But this week was a good start. My period is coming now so I’m very tired anyways. I will continue the good work next week!
Because I’m typing in OpenOffice, I can see that I have now almost reached page three. Lol. I don’t write anything for weeks, and then suddenly I get the urge and I can’t stop typing…
Tonight I’m going to my mum for a BBQ. I hope the weather will stay good! It has been super hot all week but of course I was working (well, that’s not entirely true, I wasn’t working on Tuesday afternoon. I was off and strolled around town with MM…. eating ice cream… kissing, cuddling ). Yesterday there finally came some rain while I was at work, and the air felt much cooler afterwards. The sky has been bright blue all day today, the sun is shining and I hope that the evening will be nice and warm Tomorrow evening I’m going to Amsterdam with my friend Monique, to see Anouk live (a Dutch singer). It’s half-work, half-not, lol. The Big Boss said some time ago, that it’s time we do something fun with the colleagues again, instead of just working. So they got us 50% off the ticket price.
Both things I just mentioned are fun. I’m not a big Anouk fan but I’m a concert fan. BBQ at mums will guarantee good food and talk about our coming trip to Turkey. But I have been so tired the whole week, and so sad because of it. Exhausted, really. So I’m kinda sorry about all the things I have planned. I would prefer to sit around and do nothing… on the other hand, the weekend will be over before I know it, so I better try to enjoy it. MM is visiting family for the weekend, so I’m not really missing anything…
I guess I’m done writing now, lol…
I was a mistake. My mother was sloppy with the pill and found herself pregnant at 17. She went to my dad’s house, he was 22 at the time. They had been dating for two years. She told him what she had found out, she was already three months along or something. He pulled his wallet – she was startled for a moment. He pulled out a 100 guilder bill and said she better organize a wedding.
That’s how my parents life together really started, with a mistake. The mistake turned out to be me. My dad used to have all kinds of nicknames for me when I was little, actually he still does. Most of them make no sense at all, they’re just funny and cute words that might or might not rhyme to something. He calls me ‘bil’, which could be translated as ‘ass cheek’. Bil rhymes to ‘born after a not-working pil’ – well it makes more sense in Dutch but you get the idea… it was supposed to be funny, yet it always made me sad as a child. The pill didn’t work, so they got ’stuck’ with me!
In Talks with my dad when I got older, he told me that he secretly thought that this pill-mishap wasn’t really a mistake. He thinks my mother ‘forgot’ the pill on purpose, got pregnant on purpose so they had to get married and she was finally able to leave home and get away from her asshole of a dad… only to treat her own children in the same way. Or at least that’s how I see it.
Years ago, I think I was around 16, my mother had a lot of problems with her dad. My grandfather is not an easy person from what I understand from her. On top of that, he married the step mother from hell… finally after lots of rows and troubles, my grandmother and step dad decided that my mother and grandfather should have a real serious talk. My mother wrote down a list of things that bothered her about her father, things she wanted to tell him but never had to courage to. I wasn’t ‘in’ any of the fights really, but of course I got the gist of what was going on. So my mother told me about it, talked to me about it. She said that if the Talk wouldn’t go well, she might break off all contact. My brother and I were ‘free’ to visit our grandparents whenever we liked, or call them or anything like that, but she was almost ‘through’ with them. She showed me the list of issues she held against him. It was kind of shocking to realize that I personally could hold most of those things against her, as well!!
I started to realize that more and more as I got older. She made the same mistakes he did. She turned into almost the same person, though not quite. It’s too bad that I never knew my real grandmother – she died when my mother was 16. My dad told me that my mother takes after her a lot. My late grandmother apparently also had a drinking problems and a pretty cynical state of mind.
Sadly, I won’t ever be able to judge my late grandmother and I don’t know what good and bad things she has done in my mother’s upbringing. Sometimes I wonder, if my ‘real’ granny wouldn’t have passed away (cancer), what would have happened? Would my mother still have turned out to be the same person? Would I have even existed, would she have tried to ‘escape’ her dad by getting pregnant?
This story kind of links with the other one about being ungrateful. I see that now while posting it. It seems to have affected me a great deal, that I have felt ‘unwanted’…
When I was 18 or 19, my mom and step dad bought a new house. Of course it’s great to get a new, bigger, better place, it was an improvement to the small rental we had before. It was also their way of starting over together, so it was a big deal for both of them. My brother and I didn’t really want to move. I was really going to miss the old house, I felt sad to leave it behind. I lived close to my best friend and I had grown up there, we had lived there since my parents divorced (when I was 10).
Probably to make me feel better, my mother promised me that I could choose which room was going to be mine. I had always had the shittiest room in the house, in the attic. This looked like a big room but the roof was making it practically tiny (the walls were like this: / \ don’t know how to explain otherwise).
The first time we visited the new place, we walked through all the rooms, which were all empty. In the attic were two tiny rooms, one would be my moms laundry room. And the other tiny one, with one \ wall……. my mom said ‘And this can be your room’.
I was very disappointed. I was promised to get to pick my own room, and now she was giving me the smallest, shittiest room AGAIN! I didn’t argue, don’t know why I didn’t. I was just… silent I guess.
I don’t get it. Why do parents always expect their children to keep in touch? Isn’t that something that works both ways?
Earlier this week, my step dad said on MSN: “You should call your mother. You haven’t talked to her in ages and she’s real sick,”. I was very surprised. I said, I know she’s sick because I spoke to her a few days ago… that’s just so typical. My mum won’t call, sms, e-mail me but complain to her husband instead.
My grandparents. I rarely talk to them. Can’t say I really want to, but hey, it needs to be done sometimes. When they call me, they always say something like, we’re calling because you’re not.
My step dad’s mother. I ran into her yesterday at a store below my building, and invited her for coffee. The first thing she said, even before she sat her ass on the couch – “I never hear from your parents, they never call me. I don’t know if they are angry with me or something, but I haven’t seen or heard anything since half January.” I was like, yeah, I can understand that. Because she doesn’t call them either and they’ve told me more than once that they are kind of tired of always being the one that has to make the phone call.
Later, I thought about my grandma again. My dad also came over yesterday and had coffee with us and we came to talk about my mother and step dad, and about not keeping in touch. My grandmother got all teary when saying things like, you only have one mother, and how hard is it to come over once in a while? It’s so frustrating to hear her complain and knowing that she won’t do anything, take any action to solve the problem. Which isn’t really a problem, you can just pick up the phone and say, hey, what’s up? At the same time, I’m looking at my own position. It’s a bit hard now, because I’m not talking to my parents much either and it’s actually nice… I spend my time mostly at work, traveling from and to work, or laying on the couch half-dead. I don’t want to worry all the time about who needs an update on my life, or who wants me to listen to all their shit.
It’s like a recurrent issue in my life… people bothering me for not keeping in touch. What is their problem?! My Norwegian Tulip has never ever said something like, you didn’t e-mail me back soon enough so now I’m angry and hurt because you don’t give me enough attention. But she knows I’m here
I sms-ed my step dad about his mum last night. I hope it wasn’t a mistake to do that. He wrote back something angry. I said, I understand, I’m not saying this to judge you, I just thought you should know. I also sms-ed mum about something and asked how she was doing. When she said she’s gonna see a specialist at the hospital, I called her to hear the story. She was very composed on the phone, I could tell she was angry and didn’t want to talk to me. I acted like I didn’t notice anything. I let her talk about her illness (it’s called ’shingles’ in English, it’s a nerve-infection which causes a lot of pain and sometimes skin eruptions), how she went to the doctor and so on. It was the same old game I played, the whole relationship with my mother is one big stage-play. As a kid I used to think, I would be a good actress, since I’m always playing some sort of part already in my real life. I can make anybody believe anything I say.
Mhm… I kind of wandered off the subject. One of the reasons I don’t want to talk to my parents, is the therapy. I see a shrink every two weeks since January. It’s not like, I’m laying on a sofa and complain, lol. We just talk about things that bother me about myself, and then we try to find what caused me to become like this. I don’t like the person that I am, most of the time. My Coach, that’s what I call her, helps me to see the how and the why. The biggest change for the moment is knowing and understanding, understanding why I am who I am.
When you go through bad things in your life, they leave a trauma. And my trauma’s influence my behavior to this day, behavior I don’t like to see in myself. My way of thinking, acting, assumptions I make and expectations I have – they all come from somewhere. It’s not easy to look at myself in that way, and even harder to look at my parents. They caused most of the trauma, they made me who I am. It’s not that they did a shit job at bringing me up, absolutely not. I like myself for some parts too…
They did the best they could, I always tell myself that. I can’t blame my mother for the person that she is and I can’t ignore the influence that’s had on me. I can’t change her, I can only try to change myself. Or at least the way I handle it. I have to come to accept myself and forgive her for not knowing any better.
Ah, ok, now I’m sooooooo fed up with this subject. It’s hard to write this. I can’t find words and it feels like I’ve been talking about this non stop for… ha, all my life?!
END!
