Self analysis or making excuses?

I feel strange. It feels strange to be relieved, while I am in such shit. I wonder, shouldn’t I be crying? Shouldn’t I be… walking around the house without purpose, looking for nothing, doing nothing, not knowing what to do with myself? Shouldn’t I break into tears after listening to ‘I will always love you’ by Whitney Houston?! I’ve been doing those things for a couple of weeks already, and now it’s suddenly gone. Maybe I have no more tears left. I feel like… a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. Back to normal, though that sounds weird. I’ve hooked up my hard disk and am listening to music. Nothing strange, you would say, but I haven’t done that in quite some time. I haven’t had the need to loose myself in my music. I didn’t even remember what it was that I did, sitting with that laptop evening after evening, sometimes until 4 in the morning. Something had changed, and now when I’m thinking about it… purpose. There was always a purpose to be online, lately, or to not be online. MM… was the reason I would log in, or not log in if I knew he wouldn’t be there. He was the reason to keep my mailbox open, to check my phone every couple of minutes. I don’t do any of those things now. I have picked up old habits without really noticing it. I was up until 4-ish last night, listening to music and trying to write.

I don’t understand my own behaviour… well I haven’t done much today, hung around the house, was bored, too grumpy to do anything. That I can understand.

Again, I am typing and deleting. Everything I’m writing turns into explanations. I don’t know if MM is reading this. I had closed my blog for some time and I have no idea if he has seen that it’s open now. I can’t write down my thoughts while I keep wondering if he might read it… one of the mistakes I made with him, is that I often said what I thought he would want to hear. To make him feel good. If he would feel good, he would like me better… he would love me more… I want to write what I am thinking without considering who might read it!

I am dissecting my own mind, trying to find the reasons behind my feelings and actions. I understand a little bit more of myself since I got therapy early this year. Some things were shocking, some shameful and some just sad. But it explained some things, too. I am a sucker for attention and I used to pull tricks to get it. That’s behind me now, I found out there are other ways to get attention, and that I won’t die if I don’t get it. But saying things to make someone feel better, in order to keep them close… didn’t work out right.

MM called me the morning after the chat when I confessed the big lie. He’s doubting everything I have ever said, he asked me what value those words have now. What did it mean now when I called him sweetie? What did the poems mean that I wrote to him? It’s the worst thing that can happen… the person you love doubts your words… doubts your feelings, doubts everything. He doubts my whole person, what I am, who I am…. ‘That you are capable of something like that,’ he said about the lie. I am still a little confused about it… ‘that’- is it the lie or the act?

I always knew had a problem with the fact that I was hanging out with some different guys for a while. I wrote about them here too… the Counsellor, the Photographer and the Pretty Boy. It was the time after Mr. D. when I was suddenly relaxed about guys and dating. I had been very uptight about it in the years before, Mr. D. kind of freed me from that – though I want to grant that to myself, not to him. MM can’t deal with the fact that I… slept around. I understand he wouldn’t want a slut for a girlfriend. And I understand that he got a wrong image of me, because he got to know me during that time. He never knew me when I was still hidden under my comfortable stone.

When we were arguing, it seemed he didn’t know me at all. I thought I had told him all there is to know about me. I thought I had warned him for the stupid things I can do… I thought I had it all covered. But it didn’t help. Now I am looking at everything from a whole new perspective, and the things I am writing here now, I didn’t realise before. I’m afraid I gave him a wrong image of me. And when I dared to be myself, it was too late.

(Omg I am so stupid!! The same thing happened with Mr. D.! I also did what I thought he wanted… and when I felt safe with him and became more myself, it went totally wrong. Oh god I am such a stupid moron…)

I wrote a long e-mail to him after the fight. I wrote that I regret that I lied about meeting the Counsellor. I regret the lie, not the fact that it happened. I know it doesn’t sound very… how do you say… regretful. But that’s really how I feel. I shouldn’t have… hidden my doubts about MM, about us. I shouldn’t have said what I thought he wanted to hear, I should have spoken my mind. I haven’t always been honest – not that I lied constantly to him, but I didn’t tell him everything I did, thought and felt. I kept things from him, and I regret that now. I didn’t think it would matter. I didn’t think there would be anything in the future for me with a married father of 3. I meant what I said, I meant every loving word I said and my poems were real. My hopes and dreams were never fake, or lies. I just didn’t say anything about the sadness I felt behind it all. Some sort of constant threat, my expectation that everything would fall apart one day. I would end up alone because he was just going to stay with his wife. I had been saying that since the first couple of e-mails we exchanged through the daing site.

One time, I don’t remember exactly when, he said that I never said that I missed him. I was missing him constantly, sitting alone on the couch sighing. Watching tv without seeing anything, my phone in my hand and one eye on my computer. Seems so… disturbing to constantly whine about that… in the same lines, I didn’t tell him about my constant fear.

A little later, I am reading what I have written. Is this a good self-analysis? Or am I just making up excuses and explanations – once again – for the fact that I slept with one man while I was making another one believe that he was the only one?

I am so shocked that I never realised I was following the same pattern as I did with Mr. D.! Following his lead, was the mistake I made then. I let him make the rules, I just followed them. I didn’t really think that was wrong… but you can’t be one person first and then all of a sudden change into someone else. That didn’t exactly happen with MM, I was mostly myself to him from the beginning on. It’s not what I said, it’s what I didn’t say.

I have been raging for almost two pages now and it took me all evening and part of the night to write, read and re-write… I better go to bed soon.

Finally back online!

After tooooo long without a laptop at home, I finally got mine back from HP. It kind of feels like they’re screwing me over, because I have to pay for the new screen while it wasn’t my fault that it broke   But apparently, the screen is not included in the warranty. Oh btw, excuse me for any spelling mistakes, I haven’t downloaded Open Office yet, so I’m just typing this online… kinda risky, I know.

Oh man. So much has happened since I wrote something, it’s not even two weeks ago is it?!

First of all, MM and I had no contact for 4 days. I was horribly sad, cried my eyes out for days. We decided to break up for the time being. He’s starting therapy with his wife soon and the therapist said he couldn’t have any contact with me during the therapy, to avoid external influences… I understand that and I agree, but man, this is tough. I was used to talking to him everyday, wether it was online or on the phone or just over sms, it didn’t matter. We were in touch 24/7. Then he came over on Friday evening. We sat on the couch a while in silence, everything had already been said. We talked a while, cried… kissed and hugged. And then he was off. Walked out of my life, it felt like. I didn’t know what the hell to do with myself. He took his mini laptop with him, and with that my main source of distraction. Nothing to do!!! I watched a lot of tv but basically walked around the house, worrying. Memories overflowing me.

After four days, he couldn’t stand it anymore and sent me an e-mail… OMG I was soooo relieved! He said he couldn’t do without a sign once in a while, and he was in the same bad state as I was. We have kept in touch mostly through sms, and yesterday we chatted a while on msn… we’re not supposed to, actually. Almost every message leaves me in tears again. Sunday when I was cleaning the house, he sms-ed that he missed me horribly but saying it out loud would make it harder for both of us. It’s true… the distance between us felt immense when there was complete silence, but now it’s hard to decide what I can or can not do. When is it ok to send a message? How often? Will I reply to everything? And if he doesn’t reply, does that mean I’m too intruding or is he just busy? Difficult :-/

Lots of things went on at work too. I don’t even know where to start with explaining what happened… people have been talking bad about me behind my back. Management and directors that is. Saying that I do a lousy job, saying that there have been too many problems between me and the company, that it can’t be repaired, it will never be solved. The problems between me and the company, whatever they mean, I’m not even sure. I absolutely hate the way this company is run and I am not afraid to say something. And I am not the only one! The managers and directors are the people who are screwing things up, not the people who work there.

Well, I will write about work more when I feel like it. It just makes me angry now. I’m gonna watch tv…

I’m not a fan of posting other people’s texts, lyrics or poems. But at the moment, there’s not much else I can say… Maria Mena wrote it so well. So I’m borrowing her words for now.

I’ve run out of complicated theories
So now I’m taking back my words
and I’m preparing for the breakdown
Your t-shirt’s lost its smell of you
And the bathroom’s still a mess
Remind me why we decided this was for the best

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
Love..

I know the distance is a factor
But I stretch as often as I can
My goal’s to reach your hands any day now
Please don’t blame me for trying
To fix this one last time
I have a hard time as it is

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love

Don’t act like you don’t know me
It’s still me I never changed
I’ll be here when you come back

And I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
love…

Management sucks at managing

On the train again! Staring out the window, I can see a half-cloudy but clear sky, the sun is there and the air is fresh and crisp. I like this weather, even though it’s hard to say goodbye to the summer.

Lots of things are going on at work. My colleague and friend Loud is leaving at the end of November, she’s moving to Costa Rica – of all places!! She’s been planning it for years so it wasn’t a surprise. I will miss her, it will be quiet in the office. The management is planning her replacements but it’s a big mess, they can’t really decide what kind of person they are looking for and what tasks this person will get. Loud’s manager and the director have different idea’s about it. Our director, one of the worst I have met yet, wants the new Support to take some other tasks as well. Loud asked him, how one person should manager so many things in one job. He said that we should all be ‘flexible’… I heard the other director, the Sherrif, use that word about 15 times in a meeting we had some time ago. They shuffled our back office, basically gave everyone a new set of tasks and more than before. I said, after hearing the word ‘flexible’ so much, that I was expecting them to use that against us in the future. Everything can be put under ‘flexible’. You don’t want to do this because it’s not in your job description? Come on, be flexible. You don’t want to work late every day? That’s not very flexible! And so on. And it happened just as I had predicted.

I sent out another application today and brushed my resume again. Nothing really interesting is going on yet. Also, I’m still waiting for my manager to reply my request for more salary. She’s been sick and we talked only shortly, so no news yet. Even if she would raise my salary, I still don’t want to stay. I’m so fed up with this company and especially its management, I can’t stand it anymore. They annoy me to the max.

Another colleague and very good friend – who I haven’t given a nickname yet – has a conflict with the director about her contract and salary. He promised her things, but now isn’t living up to it. She told him she doesn’t agree with her new contract, so she will stay under the terms of the old one. He got angry and refused to discuss it with her anymore. He basically sent her out of the room. This man is a moron, I tell you. He’s a neurotic, dominant, arrogant and stupid prick. He thinks his company is great, everything’s going well and everybody loves him. Above all, he thinks he’s right. He’s not. There are at least 3 people looking for other jobs, including me. And I know two others who wouldn’t turn down a good offer. Oh, how triumphant it would be to leave him all alone in his office with his big mouth…

Enough about work. It totally annoys me. I want something new, something that’s within biking distance of my house and pays me enough money to pay my bills with. I have decided to ask 2500.- when applying online. It’s 350.- more than I get now and very reasonable for the things I’m applying to. Now I just have to find the right match…

Other than work, I have daydreamed about MM all day long. Staring at the screen or at my phone, waiting for his messages. I am so in love with him and it makes me so happy… hehe it’s a bit strange because we’ve had such a hard time and actually, the situation is still far from great. But I can’t help it, I just totally and utterly adore him.

Now it’s weekend. Tonight I wanna lay on the couch, watch TV and perhaps tidy up a bit. Tomorrow I might have a friend over for dinner, I’m not sure ‘cos she always decides at the last moment if she comes or not. I’m thinking of inviting Dennis for dinner on Sunday. He’s often lonely, and I’m too lazy to cook just for myself so we make a good pair. The rest of the weekend, I should tidy up my house and it would be good if I can put some stuff on eBay. I haven’t had any items running since my vacation, so my cash-flow on PayPal has come to a standstill – not good

I will close the laptop now and stare at the sky for the last 15 mins of my trip. And daydream…

A boring day, jobsites and loooooooove…

On the train again, writing again

What an utterly boring day. And it lasted way too long, too. I was so bored at work… I am so fed up with my job, even with the parts I used to like. I have been surfing on the internet for other jobs and sent out about 4 or 5 applications, I’m not even sure. Just click, click, click… I’m curious what responses I will get. I updated my profile on several jobsites, I hadn’t done that in a long time. I got a response quickly from an employment agency that said my resume is fantastic (I know, it’s my job to make them look good, lol) and if I want to come over for an interview. Of course a very positive response, but there was no information about the jobs she had to offer. When I asked her for that, she said she couldn’t say and I should come over to talk about it. I told her that’s not possible. I won’t go to any agencies doing ‘open’ interviews, nothing has ever come from that in all the 15 years I’ve been working. So, too bad that didn’t work out.

Today I didn’t worry so much about anything else but work. My mind was a bit blank. Last night I couldn’t sleep, and I woke up really early (before six) with horrible belly cramps. A visit to the toilet didn’t help. I got up around 7 and was wide awake, because I had been staring at the ceiling for at least 1.5 hours. Sigh. Needless to say I don’t feel great now.

I miss my guy. It sounds perfect and silly at the same time when I call him mine. He’s not mine, not totally. But it feels that way… the more distance we agree to take, the more I crave to be with him. He’s so… totally… my kind of guy. I love him inside and out. His sometimes ‘tough’ outside, with sunglasses, a nice car and a self-confident smile. His sweet, loveable, sometimes insecure inside. And his understanding. I think I have met only a handful of people in my life that understand me so well. That seem to know how I ‘work’.

MM, when you’re reading this, and I know you will… I love you the person you are when you’re with me, and I love myself when I’m with you. I feel beautiful, interesting, worthwhile, when I’m around you. And we are totally cute together

See how mushy I am?! I have been like this since I came back from vacation. I was really disappointed when I realised there was no possibility to see MM, but I also quickly got over it. I only don’t know how to work on that distance thingie… I keep e-mailing and sms-ing like before. Not really sure what I should or shouldn’t do – when am I too much? When should I back off? And when is my presence wanted? When can I whine, lol!!! I guess he feels the same… our situation is strange. Overwhelming, confusing. And I don’t see the end of it yet. All I can do is wait.

Well, I’ve almost reached my station so I better close. Two blogs in one week!! OMG!!!