The one where it finally ended (watch out, this one has some disgusting details!)

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometime your first scars wont ever fade away
Tried to break my heart
Well it’s broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I’m choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I’m soaked
Soaked to the skin

It’s the end where I begin

Sometimes we don’t learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we have no choice but to walk away

Lyric: The End Where I Begin – The Script

I’ve walked away from Mr. D. this week. It feels like it’s the millionth time we’re breaking up. It feels like we spent years together. But I met him in April, so I know him for barely eight months now. Honestly, it feels like a lifetime. These eight months were heart-breaking, spine-shaking and life-changing. And now it’s over. Again.

Last Thursday I had my birthday. I had a party planned, invited a bunch of people over to the bar Berries, my usual hang-out when I’m going drinking on weekends. Though last week, I got the flu. Man, I haven’t been that sick in… ages. Years probably. First came the flu for one night, the next morning I seemed to be ok so I took off to work. By one o ‘clock, I was so miserable I felt I might collapse. So I left the office in a hurry and went in one straight line to my bed. That was Thursday (not my BD but the week before) afternoon, and I left my be Friday evening. The fever was awful, everything totally sucked. I didn’t have an appetite for anything, no food or drinks, I wanted nothing. Basically, I just wanted to die, lol. Saturday evening I seemed to pick up again, but then a bad case of diarrhea started. I was on the toilet every half hour. I sms-ed my boss that I was getting better, but would stay home one more day due to ‘belly-issues’. Tuesday this week, I went back to work. I was still feeling a bit weak and tired, and still so on Wednesday. The whole Wednesday, I had no appetite again and there was something wrong with my stomach. I had burps all day and they tasted of vomit… no surprise, that I woke up that night because I had to throw up. I barely made it to the toilet!! It happened at 1.12 in the night – what a way to start my birthday. I got up late and rushed to work feeling more than awful, but I didn’t want to miss my own birthday during the day, it got better. My stomach was back to normal in the evening and I didn’t have to cancel the party – thank god. The party was awesome, even though quite some people canceled because of the flu, or just didn’t show up. But that was ok, my plan was to have a casual get-together and just have drinks at my fave bar. I didn’t ask for any presents, just that everybody would pay for their own drinks and mine My colleagues had raised money and bought me a present anyways. A new coffee machine, which I had been wanting for some time It’s a Philips Senseo, which makes you one cup at the time with pads. I don’t even drink coffee, but I always have a hard time making it for guests. I’m pretty horrible at it actually hehe. So from now on, no more complaints or sad faces from my guests when they sip their coffee

Back to Mr. D. He called me on my birthday. The first couple times, I was in meetings etc. and wasn’t near my phone. He kept calling and I kept pressing the cancel button every time. He also sms-ed, wanted to take me out to dinner, wanted to see me, talk to me etc. Nearing the end of the day, I was totally fed up with it. I was angry and sad and hurt and all those things. So I wrote him and e-mail. I broke my 3-week-silence *rolls eyes* – the longest time I have been able to ignore him, or ignore the fact that he exists. The longest time not talking to him in the past eight months! I wrote, thanks for congratulating me. I don’t want to meet you. I’ve made up my mind about us, I’ve made a choice (I referred to what I told him that during a dinner a month ago) and it’s over now. Please don’t sms or call me anymore.

I guess he finally got the message now that I explained it for the third, fourth, fifth, whatever time. He sms-ed me later. He said that he was ready to give it another chance but that he would respect my wish, or something along those lines. I don’t remember exactly and I deleted it right away, as I did with all his messages.

He’s been silent since then. I’m glad he has given up, because I already have quite some time ago. He has been juggling my feelings around for too long. I don’t trust him anymore. He’s hurt me and it’s deep, so deep. The feeling that someone is not caring about you, just leaves you to deal with your life all by yourself, basically lets you rot in your own shit – it’s one of the most awful feelings there is. And the more you love that person, the deeper the cut. This cut is so deep it doesn’t even bleed.

And I miss him. My god, do I miss him. The secret I carry around, is that I want him to break his promise and contact me again. I want him to turn up at my front door unexpected, I want him to fight for me, to win me back, I want to hear him say that he loves me and can’t live without me. I want it to work, I want it so bad. I want him to solve his issues and let that beautiful man out. That energetic, charming guy I fell in love with. That passionate, funny, witty man that lives inside that miserable depressed shell that he’s showing to the world now. The shell he thinks he needs to survive. It’s that shell that has hurt me over and over again. It’s that outside, that posture he’s been keeping up, that has reduced me to a wreck for too long now.

I know what’s behind the shell. I’ve seen it a few times and it’s the thing I fell for. It’s that part of him, that I want back. The beautiful part of him, the part that loves me and worships the ground I walk on. The part where he dared to be vulnerable and give in to his emotions. Where he was so in love he became bold and showed me his true self. I want those days where I didn’t matter what the day brought as long as I was with him. I want those nights where he would wake me up to make love because the passion was too strong to resist.

Yes, I miss him. No, I can’t go back. So I hurt and I wait for it to pass.

För fast det regnar så är himlen märkligt blå

Blogging seems to be a weekend-thing for me… it’s Sunday and I’m writing something now, while the last message was on Saturday. Hmm. It would a lot busier here if I could just sent the thoughts straight from my head into the blog! That would be good… then I wouldn’t even have to get up from the couch / out of bed / to a computer to add entries

Yesterday was hectic and full and now I’m tired. I had a try-out at a gym yesterday, teaching two small parts of someone else’s class. She wasn’t overly positive and neither were the customers… so I’ll see what happens. The atmosphere was generally a bit hostile but that’s how it often goes in the gm-business. Don’t know what’s wrong with these people.

I was in a major hurry when I came home, as I had to take the 12:42 train to Rotterdam for Iris’ birthday party and housewarming! So I rushed around the house dressing, packing a bag, wrapping the presents and trying not to forget anything. I met Sarah at the station and we rode to Rotterdam together – a two hour trip by train, metro and on foot! Why do all my friends just move further away from me all the time?! Or – why can’t I have friends that live closer? It had been ages that I spent time with Sarah alone, as we weren’t on speaking terms for a long time. Then came the ‘hi, how are you, I’m fine’- stage. Yesterday we had lots of time to talk and catch up. The party was better than I had expected. Many familiar faces, lots and lots and LOTS of kids running around and, not to forget, Iris and Ronald’s cute son and their amazing new house. Cool!

After the party it was rush rush back to Alkmaar. I missed my connection on Amsterdam Central station and waited for half an hour… I was so bored during the trip that I sms-ed lots of people, lol. Nobody really replied. AY! Boring friends! Dennis picked me up from the station with his car and we hurried to Heerhugowaard, were we saw the Dutch band Moke in the Waerdse Tempel. They totally rocked, but I most of all had a very nice evening with my best friend

So now it’s Sunday. I slept late. Now I’ve tidied up and put a wash in the machine. There are about two million other things I have to do, more or less. Most importantly at this moment is to get a present for my step mother. It’s her birthday tomorrow and she has a party today. I can’t say I’m eager to go but well… I have to be a good girl, right. I’ll get her a coupon from the Body Shop, as my dad told her she wanted this. It’s a boring gift, maybe I’ll find something funny to go with it.

Ha, see how much I’ve written My life isn’t boring, just messy sometimes. I’m tired, tired tired. Lots of things are going on…

I got a new job :O starting nov. 1
I got a letter that I have to turn in my tax papers. Oh my god. I have no idea where all the papers are. I think I need a bulldozer to get through the piles of unsorted papers here. Sigh.
Discovered a cool new band: Moke! Go to Youtube and find them
I love Patrik Isaksson
I love Per Gessle
I (almost) love Roxette (again) (sometimes)

Ok. The laundry is ready, so I’ll better prepare the next load. I wish I could sleep for a week…