Du får göra som du vill – my love life reviewed

The Pretty Boy is still there. He came to my place Tuesday after his birthday party and he spent the night here. And last night. And when I spoke to him a couple hours ago, he said he might want to come over tonight after visiting a friend… I thought about it for a moment but I later sms-ed him that I was really too tired – dead – to see him tonight. I need a good night of sleep, rather than talking, kissing, hugging and more all night long…

It’s not really serious this thing with me and Pretty Boy, but it’s so good and the timing is excellent. I’ve been waiting for a casual date to come along… ever since I broke up with my first boyfriend. I was 20 and we had been a couple for 3,5 years. I didn’t want to date then, didn’t know a lot about the whole dating-thing anyways. I couldn’t even see men, I just wanted to be single and uncomplicated. Many complications would follow before I realized how to be uncomplicated, but that’s a whole other story. But I tumbled right from one guy into the next. J. was in life already for a while, but I only found out I was in love with him after I broke up with Dennis. D. still thinks it was J. who made me decide to break up, but it’s not. J. was the friend who listened and gave me advice when I told him about my relationship and that I was fed up with it, didn’t see it going anywhere. D. and I had grown apart. Or, rather, I had grown and he had stayed behind. I was in a stage of my life where I was still constantly changing. Every year with New Year’s Eve, I realize I’m a different person than I was the New Year’s Eve before. So perhaps it’s an ongoing process…

It was around Christmas that I found out I was in love with J. It made working with him harder but also more exciting of course. I focused on the job, on doing everything perfect and at the same time tried to get his attention on me in different ways. He didn’t have a clue, until I told him… and he was completely surprised. The idea of this 21-year-old trainee that had fallen in love with her 11-year older trainer worked into his brain. I was a very melancholic and thoughtful teenager and still so in my early twenties. I can still be that person but it’s no longer in my way. It was in my way then. I would spend lonely evenings writing long letters that I never sent, poems with dozens of layers and deeper meanings. Somewhere along the line, I dragged him with me on that love-wave. Things were heartbreakingly difficult at times, I vaguely remember hysteric phone calls where I told him I never wanted to see him again. I was in love with him, which was ridiculous because he was already in a relationship. It never occurred to me that this thing would last 8 years… and now, after 8 years, it’s still an ongoing thing. I emailed him recently to set a new date.

I left my mother’s house 8 years ago. For a long time, J. was the only man I slept with – apart from D. one time when we had this crazy idea to revive our relationship. It didn’t happen, of course. I can’t live with D. At this moment I don’t know how he feels about it, but I’ve always felt like he’s keeping the door ajar, keeping space for me to come back in when ever I want. I have done the same, we’re such good friends and he’s totally sexy sometimes. But I still know I can’t be with him anymore, it’s simply too complicated – again.

Then, well…. then came Mr. D. (I call him Mr mainly to make a difference between the two D.’s, and because this one is taller than the other one…) He turned my life upside down, not necessarily in a good way. I don’t want to talk about him too much, but I learned a lot. It’s now 5 days ago since I last sent him a message and he never got back to me. That can have different meanings, and I have taken it that he just doesn’t want to see me or talk to me anymore. I can’t blame him, given the dramatic way I’ve been acting about our break-up. The thought of losing him, having to give up our friendship and love, and especially the great physical attraction, all those thoughts made me crazy. I thought I wouldn’t be able to forget him, I thought I would never lose the urge to see, touch, feel, kiss him. He will always linger in my mind somewhere I guess. It was too… how do I say it… meaningful? Deep? Special? Heavy? Too anything to just dismiss it. But the new Pretty Boy has already put Mr. D. far into the background, I didn’t really think I could do it. I didn’t really expect any man to march into my life and just take the lead. I didn’t really expect that I would have sex with a new guy 3 days after I met him, let alone that we would repeat the act many times in the first week… I didn’t even know his last name, haha… (my mother in particular made an issue of this, ‘You have to know his last name before you sleep with him’…)

Now it’s Friday night. I hardly got any sleep last night so I should have been in bed at a decent hour. But it’s nearly half past one and I’m blogging, how typical.

I have to close with a lyric, because Mr. D. is of course still there. Under the surface now, but still there. Lyrics always work best in their original language, but I will translate this one for the non-Swedish-speaking readers… (I always doubt the fact that I have readers at all, apart from the mighty slut that is, but once in a while I give this link to someone special or get a comment from an unknown person. So the translation is for you, the anonymous reader )

Du får göra som du vill – Patrik Isaksson

Vad hade du väntat med livet som varit,
du letade länge utan att se.
Förlåt för min rädsla, förlåt för min godhet,
jag borde satt gränser, det vet jag så väl.

Du får göra som du vill,
men aldrig förråda den,
som lever inpå din själ.
Du får göra som du vill,
men aldrig förråda den,
som bryr sig…

Dagar du hade med vänner omkring dig,
du minns det med glädje, du minns det med sorg.
För när du försvann och gick bort dig i natten,
vi hade på känn vi som följde på håll.

Allt du försakat, hur du nu levde,
i världar av smärta, i rum utan ljus.
Nåt borde sagt dig, hur mycket mera
av kärlek du missat, i rädsla för svek.

Vad hade du väntat med livet som varit,
du letade länge utan att se.
Förlåt för min rädsla, förlåt för min godhet,
jag borde satt gränser, det vet jag så väl…

Dagar du hade med vänner omkring dig,
du minns det med glädje, du minns det med sorg.
För när du försvann och gick bort dig i natten,
vi hade på känn vi som följde på håll

You can do what you want

What did you expect from life as it was
you longed for a long time without seeing
I’m sorry for my fear, sorry for my goodness
I know I should have set borders

you can do what you want
but don’t betray
what lives inside you
you can do what you want
but don’t betray
what cares

Days you had with friends around you
you remember them happily, you remember then with grief
because when you disappeared and left in the night
we had a feeling, we that watched from a distance

Everything you tried, how you live now
in worlds of pain, in rooms without light
something should tell you, how much more
of love you have missed in fear of failure

Faller du så faller jag

Patrik Isaksson… sweet sweet Patrik. I love him

Du Får Göra Som Du Vill

What did you expect from life as it was
You longed for a long time without seeing
I’m sorry for my fear, sorry for my goodness
I know I should have set borders

You can do what you want
but don’t betray
what lives inside you
You can do what you want
but don’t betray
the one that cares

Days you had with friends around you
You remember them happily, you remember then with grief
because when you disappeared and left in the night
We had a feeling, we that watched from a distance

Everything you tried, how you live now
in worlds of pain, in rooms without light
Something shout tell you, how much more
of love you have missed in fear of failure

It’s been a week since my last blog. Seems the old pattern is back. I have a blog for the sake of having one, and I never write anything… lol. Ok. So I will just write what’s going on…

Last night was bliss. I remember sitting on the toilet at work during our Friday-afternoon drink, longing for the long, empty Friday evening stretching out in front of me. I sat around and didn’t do much. Chatted with Kjersti, we showed each other videos on Youtube from songs we liked and we talked about Per. Bliss

I was woken this morning by the alarm clock – not a very good start of the weekend. I slept good, enough hours. Had a good breakfast, late but good lunch. Still I was very tired today. Saw stars and was dizzy. I think my period is on its way. I did a class this morning and it was so-so… at least I think it was. Hard to say. The first half was ok, I had two simple choreographies which we repeated a few times. It worked out fine especially because I hadn’t prepared anything. Second half of the hour was more tricky. It was messy because I wasn’t sure what to do, and the result was a strange mix of exercises that didn’t really make sense. I didn’t continue them long enough and didn’t use the same muscles enough times… ok tomorrow I’ll have a re-try. I will prepare something this time My colleague W. has a bad cold. So I took her 10 o ‘clock this morning. After that, I also took her steps class… in spite that I’m no longer a member at the gym (which nobody knows) and in spite the fact that I was already tired after teaching. My stepfather talked me into it – it’s his fault!! My body complained, as always. Left leg this time, the side of my calf and the same old spot under my foot.

I was running late when I came home. One of my best friends Sue had her birthday party today so I had to go to Den Haag, which is about 1.5 hours travel by train and tram. I made it alright in the end, was there about four and left at half past nine. It was nice to see her friends and family, people I hear a lot about but never actually see.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve not done much. Just hung around, fed the acts. Listened to music. Emailed with J. – it’s a sin, I know. Sins are just lovely, lovely, lovely.

Lots of Swedish music going around. Apart from – still – Gessle’s ‘En Händig Man’, I also dug up some other Swedish stuff I listened to some time ago. Patrik Isaksson has always been one of my favorites. I’m afraid I’m going to have to buy some of his CD’s online because I can’t seem to find a good download.

It’s a sin to translate lyrics. It’s also a sin to post lyrics on one’s blog. Sins are lovely though So here’s a translated lyrics from Patrik Isaksson’s song… I don’t know who wrote it but this person must know me pretty well.

I also recommend: Uno Svenningsson – Under Ytan, Lisa Ekdahl – Vem Vet, Raymond & Maria – Storstadskvinnor faller ner och dör

Pic by Kjersti