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It’s been a long time. 21 days to be exact. In all these 21 days, there hasn’t been a good moment to write. And right now isn’t a good moment either – it’s Monday and it’s almost eleven in the evening. I should be in bed, I should be sleeping. Either that or packing more stuff. I didn’t even know I had so much stuff!!
A lot can happen in 21 days. I got an evaluation at work, which didn’t give me any big surprises. The biggest surprise was perhaps the positivity that some colleagues gave me, including my boss (oh and I’m getting a new boss! Snygigg will be my boss starting January…!!). It’s surprising because there has been a negative atmosphere around. Today everything was relaxed because most people are off or finishing things up, so not much is happening. I love that because now I can work on the things I left behind. My mailbox went from 89 to 17 today 
On to the interesting parts. I have been ignoring J. lately and I’m not really sure why. He’s keeping in touch because he is waiting for news on STD-test, which I didn’t take. I promised him to take a test in November because I had unsafe sex with the pretty boy… ah yes, him. The pretty boy who J. doesn’t trust (btw, the female D. met the pretty boy in a pub this weekend and she said he looked like shit. He has gotten fatter, he was badly dressed and he started talking about sex right away. I always knew he wanted to fuck her. God it’s good I left him behind. He was – WAS – gorgeous and he was delicious but, sadly, also a dumb ass). Quite funny how men work – and J. in particular in this case. He doesn’t mind to fuck me for nine years, safe or unsafe, doesn’t mind to play with my feelings and my body – all this without telling his girlfriend. But this time, the tables have turned. I am no longer that innocent, shy, unexperienced 19-year-old girl he once felt he had to take care of. I am a different person now, perhaps it has finally dawned on him. And then he stressed out – oh my god, she’s fucked another guy (and we lost the condom). And he told his girlfriend about that one time and that it was unsafe, because he didn’t want to sleep with her without taking the STD test. He left out the previous 9 years of course. Oh well. He took the test and he was fine.
So I’ve been ignoring him. I haven’t been ignoring Mr. D., which I should have. It’s the same old story. I have been making progress though! I’m feeling less dramatic about the whole thing, he’s not on my mind all the time anymore. My life is not about him – oh really! Yes, really. I can do without him – gasp! Is it really me saying this?! Yeah. See? Progress (I honestly think I just don’t love him anymore… oh dear. I think it’s true!! GOD! I have to tell him. Maybe he’ll piss off for good then *rolls eyes*)
And now I can add a new guy to the list. Thank god his name doesn’t start with a D it’s easy to find a nickname this time, he’s a Photographer so there you go! We ‘met’ on the dating site where I also met Mr. D., he sent me a message while I was in a big discussion with the biggest male drama queen ever – I won’t even get into that. Something in his message triggered me to write back, even though I’ve closed my profile on the site. There’s no info about me and no picture. After Mr. D., the drama queen and some other annoying men (including one that puked over my carpet after 4 glasses of wine), I am totally fed up. So why talk to the Photographer? I don’t know. Something hit me obviously. The picture was cute and funny and talking on MSN went smoothly. He called me last Friday evening and we made a date for Saturday afternoon. I was surprised when he said he was in a relationship. A part of me was disappointed. I already told many guys on the site to look elsewhere when they are taken. Been there, done that. I want one of my own now, I had the whole ordeal with J. and enough is enough. I tried to have the friendship-with-benefits with Mr. D. and that wasn’t working either. He wasn’t giving me any benefits except that one night and he went dramatic on me the next morning.
Wat to think of a man who’s talking to girls on a dating site when his own girl is not around? What to think of a man who fucks around when his relationship isn’t working? I don’t approve fucking around and I don’t approve running away from problems. Still, his girl is not my problem. I’m not really sure why I agreed with meeting him. Maybe the fact that his relationship isn’t working well at the moment made me hope for something more. Maybe the big distance (he lives in the south near Belgium), I really don’t know. I do know that we were talking and it was really fun, and I was curious to meet him. My curiosity lead me to Amsterdam on Saturday afternoon. I had been drinking and dancing the night before and wasn’t in bed until half past three, so getting up and ready was kind of an ordeal… it was already past eleven when I got up.
Couple hours later, I found myself kissing a man I don’t know, in a pub in Amsterdam’s red light district… LOL…
He’s said a couple times he was curious what I would write about him. Well honey, here it is. I’m to write as natural as possible, I try to forget that you’re going to read this.
After the kissing in the pub, we drove to my place at the end of the afternoon. He left in the middle of the night to start a 2,5 hour drive home and lay down in bed next to his girlfriend. I spent quite some time sitting around, thinking. I spent Sunday packing and cleaning and thinking. It’s so obvious how I have changed this year. December is the time for reflection and meeting the Photographer makes me reflect even more. A lot has happened this year. It sounds kind of strange but… my sex/love-life happened most of all. Mr. D., the pretty boy, J., the new J., the Counselor… and now the Photographer.
I got an e-mail from him today. Questioning if we can/should/will meet again. I’m not sure. I remember his words, “I could fall in love with you,”. I wanted to reply those words but I restrained myself. I have to stay away from falling in love for now, especially with a man who’s not mine to take. I sent an answer that doesn’t promise nor exclude anything. I’ll see what happens.
Now it’s really time for bed. I could and would write more, but what I’m writing doesn’t seem to be very consistent. I had a big urge to write but I can’t find the right mood, there’s now ‘flow’. It will come back one day, I know. Maybe this year, maybe the next.
The pretty boy sms-ed me on my birthday too. I’d almost forget, but I think it’s worth mentioning I had never ever expected him to remember my birthday. He sms-ed me early in the evening, when I was at home with my colleague and friend D. (oh my god, another D., that’s not good. I have to start meeting people whose name doesn’t start with a D.! And I already got a female D., the other friend. Mhm. I shall call this one Gaga, her nickname!) friend and colleague Gaga. I didn’t reply the pretty boy’s message, as has been my tactic for three weeks. And it has worked. I tried to call me and sms me and when I didn’t reply, he simply gave up. But now, he was right there… I replied him late in the evening when I was at the bar and I was – of course – drunk. No word from him since then. It’s fine, it’s all good. He treated me like dirt, and I gave him what he deserved. I called him all the bad names I could think of that would insult a guy like him hehehe And he kind of muttered back, in a not very convincing way, that he wanted to see me and so on. Oh well. He didn’t leave a scar, just some experience that I shoved in my pocket… so it’s fine. I don’t really care, I don’t even think about him anymore. When I was talking about him to Gaga, I had to admit to her that I still got the hots for him. Hey, lust is healthy and he’s hot. I can’t help or deny that I’m attracted to him. He’s just also bad as hell, and I should stay far away from him. I wonder if I would even be able to resist him if he would turn up somehow… aaah… better that I not see him
Tonight I’m in the mood to get completely wasted. Don’t ask me how that happened, sometimes I just feel like that… but hey, it’s just Tuesday evening. It’s past eleven and I have to work tomorrow, so I’m already getting wasted without drinking anything…
There’s a lot to talk about and no time to talk much. So I better keep it short – ha ha ha. I know I’m not very good at that. I’m listening to some great music, smoking and typing away like crazy. I’ve closed msn and told the people I was talking to, that I would go to bed. But I didn’t. I decided to write a little something before bed… and now it’s already late. Tic fucking toc.
Last Friday I saw the pretty boy. It had been a long time since we’d met. We had some conversations on msn and some sms-es and an occasional phone call but I was actually kind of fed up with him. Friday night I went out with my colleague, the utterly cool and sweet E. We danced a bit, smoked and drank a lot, and came home late and very wasted. The pretty boy was smsing me and called me, he was contemplating to come over. E. took over the phone and told him to cut the crap and just have a drink with us. So he came to my place. I was too wasted to even care, to even remember how angry I actually was and that I had already tried to get ‘rid’ of him twice. It’s hard to get rid of someone when you actually want to see them, especially when it’s a very hot pretty boy with certain… nice skills. Lol. But hey, I was drunk so I didn’t care. The evening ended kind of strange because he left angry about something E. had said or maybe something I had done, I’m not seven sure. It was also dramatic and annoying at the same time because the alcohol affected my stomach. There was a bucket beside my bed when I woke up with a enormously heavy head… still, evenings like that totally rock I love doing crazy things and acting stupid.
Saturday, I didn’t hear from the pretty boy. I managed to restrain myself from calling him. Friday night, I really wanted to have him in my bed but of course not with E. around. So we sent him on his way and it was actually pretty funny. When I come to think of it now, he was probably angry that he didn’t ‘get’ anything… ha ha..
He called me at 2.50 in the morning, the call woke me up. I was stupid enough to bring my phone with me to bed, of course I was expecting him to call me. When he called he sounded under influence of something else than alcohol, he was very uptight and a little aggressive or stressed. I think he was on pills, it wouldn’t be the first time. He was talking to me in an aggressive, pushy tone. ‘Hey, I’m town, can we fuck?’ he said, or something around those lines. I was half asleep, the offended feeling came up too slowly to realize it right away. He wasn’t alone, there were some people around him and a girl screamed ‘I wouldn’t do it if I were you!’ into his phone. I realized she was right. Pretty boy and the girl then had a fight because she tried to take away his phone, and I hung up. I decided he was an ass and I was going back to sleep. He called back a few minutes later and I denied the call. Then an sms came; ‘Fuck?’ I didn’t reply. I was getting more awake and angrier by the minute. I know this whole thing with him was just for one thing, but that doesn’t mean you have to be rude and treat me like a prostitute that doesn’t happen to charge anything.
Ten minutes later, he was knocking on my front door. I smsed him ‘No’.
‘Why not?’
‘Just because’
I changed my mind and answered again.
‘Because you are an annoying brat and you have no respect, and I’m through with that. Just go away and enjoy the red light district’
It’s hard to translate what I wrote him and still make it as offensive as it sounded in my language hehehe… but I think this says it. He came back a couple minutes later, saying he was in the club that I live next to. He was obviously a little offended with what I had said and he acted surprised. He said nothing like this had been said to him before and why was it necessary to be so harsh? I replied that I had tried to tell him a couple times before that I didn’t like his behavior, but he was often drunk, stoned, didn’t reply or didn’t take it seriously.
‘I wanna see you, don’t be like this’
‘don’t act like I’m important to you, I’m not falling for that’
‘Can I still see you? I wanna come over’
‘I don’t wanna see you anymore so you can stop now’
‘But I want to come over and…’
This went on for a little while longer. I told him to piss off, and he said something like ‘OK but I wanna see you, can I come over?’ Seriously… how hard can it be? Which part of ‘piss off’ don’t you understand?!
Sunday evening I went out with a guy I met on a dating site. It was our second date. I knew it was wrong to go out with him, but I was a little drunk and uptight and perhaps I was hoping I would feel different about him now. We have great conversations on msn but alas, my feelings were the same. I’m not romantically interested in him. He spent the night in the extra bed and we said goodbye early in the morning.
Halfway the morning, pretty annoying little brat called me. I denied the call. He called again so quickly, that I pressed the wrong button and picked up – I hung up right away. The rest of the day I was working like crazy. In the train home he smsed me, said he had called my accident (bullshit) and heard my voice and then called me again and didn’t understand why I hung up. I didn’t reply. I’m not going to reply to this loser ever again. I’m a little worried that I’m going to run into him on the train because we work in the same area now, right beside the train station. I have to tell him to piss off in person also, if that’s what he wants. I should ignore him initially but if he tries to start a conversation, I won’t be nice. Secretly I hope to run into him when I’m walking to the train with E…. or when I’m in the pub with the female D., or another situation where I’m not alone. I really hope I won’t see him, I’m not so much into confrontations…
Anyway, now it’s insanely late and really really really time for bed…. until later…
Oh oh oh… what a week… what a weekend… I should really blog more, because I can barely remember all the things I should / want to talk about.
The goals… Ok. I failed, sigh. I didn’t keep the goals. So, I have to take up on them for a week longer. While my dearest craziest Norwegian slut, she has now one more… she has kept to her 3 goals since Wednesday and added a fourth one. SIGH! I failed my own game! Here come the goals again:
1.be in bed by 22.30
2.clean face + brush teeth every evening
3.cook dinner every day
Today I have fucked up the dinner goal already because I ate a ready made meal that I heated up in the microwave. It was a very healthy meal – green cabbage and sausage – but it doesn’t count. The rest of the weekend, I’ve been eating enough shit to last three more days *rolls eyes* The other two goals are not so hard now. I’m pretty tired and I didn’t ware any make up, so the cleaning-face-goal will be easy and quickly done 
Now for the rest of the shit that’s going on. I’m dreading to go to work tomorrow and it has been a long time since I felt like that. Actually most things in my life suck at the moment and work is a very important one. I spent most of my time there so when it’s not going well, it’s hard to not get influenced by it. Yesterday I’ve made a list of tasks that I’m supposed to do / that I do now. I told myself, I have to stick to these tasks and not do anything that’s not on the list. If any of my colleagues ask me to do something that’s not on the list, I have to tell them no. NO NO NO NO. It’s a short, easy word but so hard to use sometimes. I’m probably too nice to use it, even though one of my colleagues said I don’t give an impression of being too weak to stand up for myself. Tomorrow will be an important day. I have to test my ability of saying ‘no’…. I have to learn to say no to stupid little tasks that are not on my list, even though I know I would do a better job on them and even though it feels like it should be part of my job. It’s going to be a real challenge…
Shit. It sounds like I do have 4 goals… Oh another thing I decided is that I should take one day off each month. Just to get some more peace and to take care of things.
Now on to men…. siiiiiigh. The clock just struck 22:00 – the magic hour… So I have to be fast in the men-update! I didn’t see the pretty boy for quite some time. The female D. and I ran into him in town last Wednesday and my my my, was he looking hot. Even though he looked like shit (tired, long days at work, wearing boring clothes etc), he was still hot hahahaha. But it seems he has no time for me and doesn’t really want to make time, either. Mr. D. – that’s a whole other story. He too doesn’t seem to want to make time for me, but he’s not as simple to deal with as the pretty boy. The pretty one will just tell me that he’s busy, even though he’s sometimes slow with replying or forgets to call me back or whatever, he’s never ignoring me on purpose. Mr. D. is doing just that and it fucks me up completely. On Friday evening, we talked on the phone. I was in a shit mood and it was very obvious. Men are a lot more simple than women, when somethings the matter, they just come up with a solution. For a woman it can sometimes be very frustrating to listen to solutions while they’ve just spent hours / days / weeks / whatever to rule out all solutions – including the one the man will come up with. Because they’ve already been there, and ruled it out. Or they already know what to do but not how to do it. Either way, I couldn’t really talk with Mr. D. either and I couldn’t accept his solutions. But he was sweet to me nevertheless, and I wrote him an sms after we talked, apologizing for my bad mood and thanking him for putting up with it. He wrote me back that it wasn’t a problem, there was no need to say sorry and I just just be myself. I thanked him for that and suggested we would meet this weekend. I felt very insecure saying that but I had to give it a shot, and I told him that too. He didn’t reply. The next morning I sms-ed him if he had a good night of sleep – no reply. Last night I wrote him that I was feeling better and was wondering how he was doing. I suggested we could meet today and perhaps visit the beach or go for dinner or whatever. Until now, no reply. He’s been ignoring me for about 48 hrs straight. What is wrong with this man? Can someone please tell me that?
Oh well. I know what’s wrong with him. And I know what I have to do – the solution isn’t hard to find. It’s not hard to find any solution, it’s the action that you must take that’s the hard part. My action on this moment will be to ignore Mr. D…. I have tried this before, a couple times actually, and I never succeeded. But like the Norwegian slut already said: he’s not worth my time or love and I should leave him behind. I thought I could be friends with him, I thought I could put up with his difficulties, but I can’t. I can’t handle him. I can’t stand his instability and weariness and incapability of making choices. I can’t stand that in any person and still I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again.
I’ve lighted the last cig for today and for this weekend. Then I will be hurrying to the kitchen to perform goal 2 and run upstairs to make goal 1 work! I should have changed the bed sheets, but there will be no time if I wanna make both goals work! Now I’m thinking, is there any laundry in the machine…well. It has to wait until tomorrow then
PS some good things also happened… I would almost forget them…
- I did all the laundry and hung it up and put away the clean and dry things
- I took out 6 bags of old clothes and shoes
- I made appointments to have some trash picked up (old stereos, wood etc.)
- Dennis is coming for dinner tomorrow and will help me to put all the trash out (I haven’t seen him in aaaaages)
The Urge is here, but I’m not really sure what to write. I just came home, was out with the female D. and I had a few drinks. That, combined with Maria Mena’s new album, makes me melancholic. At the same time I’m chatting with the pretty boy, quite a serious talk. It’s not really fair because he’s more clear headed than I am at the moment… or maybe not. I better get some sleep. Useless to hang around with nothing to say…
